My boyfriend’s vile demand in bed is so degrading… but he insists all his guy friends do it too: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while and, because we’ve become so comfortable with each other, he is more open about the things he likes in the bedroom.

At first, his requests were pretty average – dare I say, even vanilla – but I think I’ve underestimated just how kinky he really is.

Because one night as we were lying in bed, he asked me to do something so vile and degrading, I wouldn’t dare repeat it.

It was so shockingly out of character – and, not to mention, so out of my comfort zone.

It was the first time I had ever refused one of his requests in the bedroom, and it must have taken him by surprise, because he pouted, insisting that ‘all his friends’ girlfriends do it,’ as if to change my mind.

In the moment, I assured him that I would consider it for next time, though I secretly knew I would never do what he asked.

And, unconvinced that other women subject themselves to such a thing, I consulted my group of friends. To my surprise, they all admitted that they had indeed fulfilled this fantasy at one point or another.

Maybe I’m just a prude, but for me, sex should be romantic and loving, not some sort of sick humiliation ritual.

I don’t want to make my boyfriend feel bad for being honest with me – and I do feel guilty that I haven’t given it a fair shot – but I can’t follow through on this twisted request.

Sincerely,

Bedroom Buzzkill

Dear Bedroom Buzzkill,

What we are comfortable with during intimacy is an entirely personal decision – so, it really does not matter what all your friends are doing. 

While compromise is important in relationships, we are also allowed to set firm boundaries about things that make us uncomfortable.

I often advise people to give something a try, since we don’t know what we like until we try it, but since your reaction is so strong, I urge you instead to be honest with your boyfriend.

This may seem like a small thing, but sexual incompatibilities are a very real issue that can impact the overall health of a relationship. 

So, if this is a dealbreaker, it is better for both of you to know this sooner rather than later. 

Tell him that this is not something you are into, nor will ever be into. If this is a necessary part of sex for him, then a bigger discussion must be had about the future of your relationship.

He may drop it entirely. Or, he may decide that he cannot live without this particular proclivity in the bedroom. 

If there is no compromise to be made, you have your answer about whether he is the right man for you.