My husband and I thought we unlocked the secret to the best sex in midlife… until we dared to open up our marriage. I’m seething with jealousy after what I saw: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My husband and I are middle aged and have, admittedly, lost the ‘spark.’ 

Despite our best efforts, nothing seemed to do the trick, and I was starting to feel hopeless.

But one night, I was out at drinks with my friend complaining about our relationship issues when she made a suggestion: inviting another person into our bedroom.

It seemed like a ridiculous thought, one that I never would have considered before because I am, admittedly, a bit of a jealous person.

But empowered by a bit of liquid courage, I came home and approached my husband with the idea thinking he would never agree. To my shock, he immediately said yes. 

As it turned out, he had secretly wanted to try this for years but was too embarrassed to ask and assumed I’d be offended.

Perhaps I should have noticed it was a red flag that he already had another woman in mind to invite, because he paid more attention to her than to me the entire time.

In the days after, I was so upset that I kept replaying the night in my head, and I could barely look at my husband.

I don’t know how I can move past these feelings, and I worry I’ve completely doomed our marriage.

Sincerely,

Three’s a Crowd

Dear Three’s a Crowd,

Fantasies used to remain in our heads, a combination of shame and societal expectations making the prospect of revealing them to our partners feel forbidden.

But we live in a different world now, one in which people are far more open about their desires, and it encourages us to indulge in them without fully weighing the consequences. 

Something that seems thrilling over a glass of wine can indeed look completely different in the cold light of day. 

There is a psychological term for what you’re experiencing, which is very normal, non-monogamy trauma, or a consensual betrayal.

Even though you gave permission, indulging in this fantasy has caused you profound emotional trauma.

The fact that your husband already had someone in mind meant this was no longer a shared adventure, but a scenario in which you suddenly felt like an outsider in your own bed.

It’s important that your husband understands the impact this has had on you. Tell him that as exciting as you hoped it would be, it has in fact left you feeling rejected, anxious and deeply sad. 

To heal, I recommend stopping any more talk about fantasies and call in a professional therapist who will be able to help you process the intrusive memories of that night.

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years.

We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and have supported the other’s wildest dreams. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

Because as we’ve been having talks about the ‘future’ – plans for possible engagement, where we might raise a family – it turns out we have very different ideas of what that looks like.

I have a very demanding career that requires me to stay in a big city, whereas he has a completely remote role, but desperately wants to live in a big house in the suburbs. And he wants it soon.

I tried to explain that I’m just not ready to leave the city yet, that I need to stay here for at least another ten years for my job. He just couldn’t see things from my point of view and insisted that I could ‘work from anywhere’ or find a new job.

The conversations always end in an argument, and it breaks my heart that we can’t find some sort of compromise.

I was convinced that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but now I’m not so sure. If we can’t come to an agreement on this, is it over? Or is he right – am I really being too stubborn?

Sincerely,

Trouble in Paradise

Dear Trouble in Paradise,

As painful as this is to acknowledge, even the most wonderful chemistry in the world isn’t the same as long-term compatibility. 

Five years is a meaningful amount of time to spend with someone, and it sounds like you have, in many ways, a healthy and deeply supportive relationship.

But building a life together requires aligning on both shared values and shared lifestyle choices.  

There are compromises to be made in every relationship, but it has to be a compromise that both partners are comfortable with. 

To answer your question directly, no, I do not think you are being too stubborn. Protecting a career and a lifestyle that you love and that fulfils you is entirely valid.

But your boyfriend isn’t showing any willingness to see things from your point of view. 

While technically it may be true that you can work from anywhere, it dismisses and ignores the reality of your demanding career and your personal desire to stay. And reluctantly agreeing to move out to the suburbs will likely fill you with resentment that will be corrosive to your relationship.

If these conversations always end in an argument rather than a collaborative brainstorm, it shows a rigidity that will make future life hurdles very hard to navigate together. 

And it may indeed mean that you have hit a tragic, but definitive, dealbreaker.