My husband thinks his bedroom trick is every woman’s dream. I’m disgusted by what he’s done… but I can’t tell him no: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been married for a few years and, in an attempt to keep the spark alive, he is constantly trying to spice things up in our relationship.

Whether that entails surprising me with flowers or my favorite home-cooked meal, he is truly committed to not letting the romance die.

I do appreciate all his kind gestures, but lately, he’s introduced something new that I find revolting.

A few weeks ago, he started waking up early to cook me breakfast and deliver it to me in bed.

While it is sweet and romantic – and it definitely earned him some extra points in my book – I just couldn’t help but think about all the crumbs that were collecting in our sheets.

You see, I have a thing about eating food in bed. I find it disgusting.

Just thinking about the feeling of crumbs in my bed makes my skin crawl. 

I haven’t been able to enjoy my breakfast because I can’t get the thought of a dirty bed out of my mind.

I can’t bear to tell my husband though. Doing these kinds of things for me makes him so happy – and it’s his way of flirting with me – so I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Sincerely,

Dirty Thoughts

Dear Dirty Thoughts,

How lucky you are that you have a husband who thinks of romantic gestures to make you happy. 

While he is trying to surprise you, I would assume that he’d be delighted if you hinted at – or told him directly – what you want.

Not being transparent with him will only lead to trouble.

There is an old saying: say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean. Almost anything can be received and heard if it comes from a place of calm, kindness and truth. 

Deliver the news in a ‘sandwich’: start by telling him how much you love his forethought, and how you feel appreciated by all that he does. Then tell him that while you are grateful for the breakfast in bed, you simply cannot deal with the crumbs.

Then, suggest an alternative. 

There are other ways for him to spoil you. If you have a garden, perhaps he can arrange a romantic breakfast there. If not, perhaps it’s at the kitchen counter.

It’s often the smallest things that are the hardest to talk about, and as such, those small things often aren’t discussed. We think it is easier to sweep it under the rug to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, but over time, it will build until all you feel is resentment and disappointment.

Dear Jane,

After one year of being single, I met someone on a dating app.

I had been so let down and disappointed by men in the past, but this one seemed totally different. He had his own pain after his marriage ended two years ago and has done a ton of therapy, so he seemed emotionally intelligent, which is one of the things I was looking for in a man.

We texted every day for a week before meeting up for drinks. And while I was worried there wouldn’t be a spark as he isn’t my usual type, the chemistry was crazy from the minute we met and we both seemed to fall hard.

He wanted to see me again immediately and we spent the next four weeks texting every day and seeing each other multiple times a week.

It was like something out of a movie: I had finally found my person.

My friends were worried it was moving too fast – and I was nervous at the beginning, but because he was so consistent, I relaxed into what I thought was the relationship I’d spent my whole life waiting for.

But as soon as I did, he started to become distant.

Multiple texts a day became one. All the talk of spending our summer together and the things we would do has stopped. Now, I’m anxious and obsessed with my phone, checking it in case he texts.

He even canceled our upcoming weekend away, saying he has too much work.

I’m devastated. I asked him if he wanted to end things, but he said nothing had changed, that he was just really busy and he would call. But I haven’t heard from him in three days.

I don’t understand why this is happening. I’ve been in floods of tears, wondering what I’ve done.

Sincerely,

Trouble in Paradise

Dear Trouble in Paradise,

There are so many duds out there, so when you think you’ve finally found someone special, it’s easy to get swept up in it.

But here’s the thing: you hardly know one another. And having chemistry is not the same as compatibility.

The danger of moving too quickly and feeling like you’ve found the romance of your wildest dreams is that it isn’t real – it’s entirely based on fantasy.

Emotional intelligence is not the same as emotional availability. Many men are in love with the idea of love, but as soon as reality sets in, they panic and withdraw.

Your nervousness at how fast it was moving was your intuition telling you to be careful, and if you learn anything from this, it is to always trust your intuition, no matter how great the person in front of you seems.

Real relationships do not go from zero to 100 immediately nor are they filled with grand gestures or love bombing. As intoxicating as that may be, it will always burn out the minute you let your guard down.

A healthy relationship builds slowly, giving each of you time to decide whether or not you actually are compatible. The person who is right for you will make you feel peaceful and safe, rather than an insecure, doubting mess.

You’re waiting for him to go back to being the man he was in the beginning, but that man does not exist.

The best thing you can do is to put yourself first and walk away, because the sooner you do, the quicker you’ll be able to heal.