The subtle signs your female friend is toxic: Experts reveal whether you’re dealing with a narcissist or ‘covert abuser’ in disguise

You have tried to rationalise your feelings of ill-ease or anxiety every time you have to meet that one female friend, but it bubbles to the surface every time you’re around them anyway. 

If a friend in your life leaves you emotionally drained or fearful, it might be time to question your relationship, according to London-based therapist Zoe Clews. 

According to data from the Mental Health Association based in Tennessee, United States, 84 per cent of women have experienced a toxic friendship, while new research found having a difficult person in your life can age you faster. 

Despite this, most people can find it difficult to walk away from a friendship – even though it leaves you drained and depleted, said UK-based relationship coach Kate Mansfield. 

The first step is identifying what kind of ‘difficult’ person you’ve allowed into your circle by recognising the subtle signs that define the three kinds of toxic friends – and then working to re-establish boundaries so you can ultimately break free from their clutches. 

The Narcissist

The third ‘kind’ of toxic friend to watch out for is ‘the Narcissist’. 

Think of Amanda from Motherland, portrayed brilliantly by Lucy Punch, whose demands for absolute ‘loyalty and adoration’ often leave Anne (played by Philippa Dunne) hyperventilating and hysterical. 

Explaining this archetype, Kate said: ‘They need you to be a “flying monkey” in their circus, validating their ego and fighting their battles. 

‘If you refuse to play along or try to set a boundary, they can become deeply vindictive, launching smear campaigns or actively try to destroy your reputation.’ 

Zoe added: ‘Signs your friend is a narcissist include the fact that every conversation somehow comes back to them.

‘If you find that they only reach out when they need advice, emotional support, practical help or someone to fill a gap, chances are they view you as a resource – not a friend.’

She continued: ‘Psychologically, genuine curiosity is one of the strongest indicators of emotional investment.

‘If someone consistently isn’t interested in your interior world, they’re maintaining a relationship with the role you play in theirs – not with the person you are.’

Notice who carries the emotional weight of the relationship, she advised. Ask yourself who sends the first message or organises plans to see each other. 

Who checks in and who remembers birthdays or important milestones? 

‘While relationships naturally fluctuate, but if months or years go by where you’re always initiating while they simply respond, you’re sustaining something they may simply be participating in,’ she added.

‘Similarly, if you’re never actually invited anywhere but instead informed that plans already exist and you’re expected to slot yourself in, over time you can begin to feel devalued rather than genuinely included.’

Kate recommends trying the ‘grey rock’ method, coined in 2012 by an anonymous American mental health blogger who goes by Skylar.  

‘Become as uninteresting and unresponsive as a grey rock,’ she explained. 

‘Give short, non-committal answers and avoid showing emotion. They feed on drama and attention, so when you stop providing it, they will eventually look elsewhere for their supply.’

The Competitor 

In the case of the competitor archetype, you’re looking for any hints of envy and insecurity. 

‘This friend essentially wants to be you,’ Kate told the Daily Mail. ‘The psychology here is a profound lack of self-worth.’ 

Unhappy with their own set of circumstances, they view your life as something to ‘take over’, she continued, adding: ‘The key sign is a lack of genuine happiness for your success.’ 

Watch for people who ‘slowly insert themselves into your life’ – only to ultimately push you out. This could look like someone who ‘poaches’ your friends, ingratiates themselves with your inner circle, copies your style or even makes inappropriate moves on your partner.  

The way to break free from this sort of negative association is to put your toxic friend on an ‘information diet’, said Kate. 

‘Stop sharing your wins, your goals, and your vulnerabilities,’ the relationship coach said. ‘Take space, become an acquaintance rather than a friend. 

‘When they have no new material to compete with or gossip about, they often lose interest.’

Elaborating on this idea, London-based therapist Zoe told the Daily Mail that ‘the competitor’ will typically struggle when your life improves. 

‘One of the most misunderstood forms of relational tension isn’t conflict,’ she said. ‘It’s success.’ 

Watch carefully to see how your friend reacts when you share some good news, whether that’s a promotion or a new relationship you’re excited about. 

‘Instead of genuine excitement for you, you notice minimising, a quick subject change back to them, an awkward silence, or a “joke” that somehow shrinks your achievement,’ Zoe said. 

She also advises noticing how this friend behaves with you around other people. 

Zoe said one of the biggest ‘red flags’ in her experience is if someone completely changes in a group setting, as compared to how they interact with you one-on-one. 

‘One-to-one they are warm, but in groups you’re interrupted, dismissed, ignored, teased more or simply overlooked,’ she explained. 

‘This matters because your nervous system notices inconsistency. Consistency creates safety. Not perfect consistency, because none of us is perfect, but enough consistency that you know where you stand.

‘If someone’s warmth depends entirely on who’s watching, you’re never quite sure which version of them you’re going to meet. That uncertainty quietly, but very steadily, erodes trust over time,’ she said.  

‘Healthy friends celebrate your wins,’ she continued. ‘They amplify your confidence and genuinely enjoy seeing your life expand.

‘Unhealthy dynamics often become increasingly uncomfortable when your life no longer fits the hierarchy the friendship unconsciously depended upon.’ 

The Covert Abuser  

This sort of ‘friend’ fits the ‘covert abuser’ archetype, according to Kate. 

Watch for someone who frames their insults as a ‘joke’ or sarcasm, she continued. 

If you do raise concerns about their ‘humour’ or call them out, they will likely dismiss you as someone who is oversensitive. 

‘If their humour doesn’t feel funny, because it’s at your expense, chances are you’re in a toxic friendship,’ Zoe shared. 

Kate added: ‘The hidden sign is that you leave every interaction feeling smaller, second-guessing yourself and emotionally bruised by their passive-aggressive put-downs.’

Sometimes, these friendships can also manifest as symptoms in the body, said Zoe, who also works as a hypnotherapist. 

‘I often ask clients, “How does your body feel in the hour before you see this friend?”‘ she shared. ‘Not whether you like them, not whether you’ve known them for years, but what does your nervous system do?’

If your stomach tightens, shoulders hunch up in defence, or your throat constricts, it could be your body’s way of signalling danger or stress, she explained. 

To escape the clutches of a ‘covert abuser’, you need to ‘neutralise their power’. 

Kate explained: ‘Neutralise their power by not reacting emotionally. When they make a passive-aggressive “joke”, respond with a blank stare and a calm, “What did you mean by that?” 

‘Forcing them to explain the insult removes their cover and usually stops the behaviour.’