My girlfriend only wants one thing for her birthday… in the bedroom. It’s so extreme, but I can’t say no: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My girlfriend and I love birthdays.

Every year, we painstakingly plan how to celebrate each other’s, trying to pick out the perfect gift and make the day really memorable.

This year, she is turning 30 and I told her to tell me what she wants so I can make it extra special.

But she’s insisted that she doesn’t want gifts. Instead she confessed that she’d rather I give her something else… in the bedroom.

I won’t go into details, but she said there is a particular, and rather extreme, fantasy that she desperately wants to try.

While I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a ‘vanilla’ guy, it’s a bit too much for me, and honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could even follow through.

But I felt that I couldn’t refuse since it was all she wanted and she seemed so excited when I agreed.

But now as her big day looms I’m getting nervous. I don’t want to go through with it, but I don’t want to disappoint her either.

Is there a way that I can back out without hurting her feelings or ruining her birthday?

Sincerely,

Birthday Blues

Dear Birthday Blues,

It’s very hard to answer this without knowing what the fantasy, proclivity or kink is. What you might consider extreme, may be entirely normal for others.

That said, whatever it is you’re not talking about, this does seem slightly different than asking for a permanent introduction to something sexual that you don’t want to do.

Being nervous is to be expected with something you haven’t tried before. But being nervous is not the same as being repulsed, or turned off, or unwilling. 

In a long-term relationship, sex can very often become… humdrum. We get used to the same positions, the same routine, knowing it is enough, not realizing quite how dull that can be.

Good sex requires an element of playfulness. Certainly introducing something you haven’t tried before, indulging in things that the two of you mutually consent to, can spice things up.

This would seem to be a one-off, and you may find yourself pleasantly surprised. However, it’s hard to gauge your comfort levels. 

If it is something that you are very uncomfortable with, then it is something you should not be doing. Tell your girlfriend that you love her and want very much to make her happy, but going through with her request makes you very nervous and uncomfortable. 

Ask her if there is a compromise, something you could try that might be slightly out of your comfort zone, but would not elicit the feelings you are having now.

Dear Jane,

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for many years, and our two young daughters – both under ten – split their time between my house and his.

We have always been amicable for our kids’ sake, but our relationship has gone downhill since his girlfriend came into the picture.

They’ve barely been dating for a year, but she’s already moved into his house and so spends a lot of time with my daughters. I never minded – until recently.

I’ve discovered that she’s been telling my kids to call her ‘Mom #2,’ and giving them whatever they want just so she can be in their good graces – or, in other words, be the ‘favorite.’

I quietly raised it with my ex, who brushed me off as being ‘jealous’ and ‘territorial.’ He said she was just trying to bond with his kids, which is something that is important to him.

But there is a difference between bonding and bribing.

I’ve considered going to her directly to say that her behavior is inappropriate, but I also don’t want to be a killjoy for my kids. They genuinely adore her, and I don’t want to come between them or seem overbearing.

What do I do?

Sincerely,

Protective Mom

Dear Protective Mom,

There is nothing harder than losing your children, even part-time, in a divorce. 

Any new partner is going to be difficult for us to welcome, but one who is asking to be called ‘mom #2’ is going to feel especially hard.

As painful as this may be to accept, we cannot control other people’s behavior, nor can we control what goes on in the homes of a former partner, which feels brutal. 

But, your girls are young and you have years ahead of you, so you have to reconcile it in your head in order to have some peace. 

As wrong as it may seem to you that your ex’s girlfriend is indulging your girls, it isn’t a competition – even though I know that it may feel that way. 

You are their mother, and the most expensive gifts in the world cannot change that. She may be asking to be called mom number two, but you will always be number one.

I hear so many stories about awful stepmothers, women who treat their stepchildren horribly, making it quite clear how unwelcome they are. As painful as this is for you, I wonder if you can step back and see that it is far better for your girls to have a woman in their life who makes them feel safe, wanted and loved.

What you’re feeling is natural. I’m urging you to trust in your role and responsibilities as their mother, to try and distance yourself from what goes on in your former husband’s household.