How to avoid becoming your ex-husband’s unpaid assistant: So many divorced women get trapped mothering a middle-aged man drowning in his own incompetence. Here’s how to tell if you’re one of them – and how to break free

When my close friend found out her husband had been having an affair with one of her friends, he cried. A full tantrum on the floor in front of her, a grown man gasping, wailing and sobbing.

He left her, yet was later dumped by the other woman – and by most of his friends. And my friend, the ex-wife who had been betrayed, was overcome with worry about him. Was he OK? Could he pay the bills? Was he eating properly?

Eleven months later, sitting on the much cheaper new sofa in her new flat, she held out her phone and asked me, ‘Is this normal?’

On the screen were hundreds of messages from her ex-husband: How do I pay this? What’s our doctor called? Where do I take the car for a service? I can’t iron this f***ing shirt!

Every one of his queries could have been answered with a quick online search – but in his state of newly adrift singledom, she had become his Google.

As a break-up recovery specialist, I hear a version of this story every week. Women – betrayed and otherwise – are still parenting their ex-husbands, men who, post-divorce, discover a complete lack of competence in midlife.

‘If you’re a divorcée who’s still in touch with your ex, how can you know if your relationship has gone past being friendly and supportive – and you’ve ended up mothering him?’

You may ask why these women don’t just cut their exes off completely rather than continue to indulge them. But the difficult truth is that being needed is extremely appealing. Plus, traditionally, women are the ones to do most of the caring in a relationship, and it can be hard to break out of this pattern.

So if you’re a divorcée who’s still in touch with your ex, how can you know if your relationship has gone past being friendly and supportive – and you’ve ended up mothering him?

Read on to see if you recognise yourself – and what to do about it if you do…

1. You know his life better than he does

The dentist, the next MOT, the passwords. If you’ve been the one who remembers everything for 20 years, that knowledge doesn’t switch off when the marriage does – and he knows it’s still there, ready to be tapped. If you still find yourself getting itchy around his mother’s birthday, desperate to remind him to send a card, stop and think why.

2. Your phone fills up with his admin

The boiler’s error code, sent at 10pm. The council tax letter, forwarded because ‘you always did that bit’.

If you have no children together – therefore nothing to bind you – and he still sends you his paperwork, you’re doing a job you’ve already left with none of the benefits.

3. Saying no makes you feel guilty

‘I hear a version of this story every week. Women – betrayed and otherwise – are still parenting their ex-husbands,’ writes break-up recovery specialist HARRY HARDISTY

When you love someone, or used to, it’s hard to shake the feeling that if they go under it’ll be your fault, even if he was the one who walked out. For the same reason, you’ll reply to his messages straight away, even when it isn’t urgent (which it rarely is).

4. You do his half of the parenting

If you have children together, some contact is necessary. School forms, doctors’ visits and who’s doing which weekend are shared responsibility. But if you’re still sorting all the arrangements that fall within his time, or reminding him of the dates of his own weekends, that’s gone beyond necessary.

5. You worry about him more than about yourself

Whether he’s eating, sleeping, coping. If your first thought each morning is still about his welfare, ask when you last gave your own that much attention.

6. Being needed still feels good

This is the least comfortable sign to acknowledge. Handling everything for years has given you purpose and it’s hard to just stop. While he still needs you to explain the washing machine, the marriage isn’t quite over – and cutting that last thread means finally feeling the full weight of the loss.

Why you need to change

How can you begin to grieve a marriage and move on while you’re still doing its admin? Your ex gets all the practical benefits of having a wife, with none of the obligations of being a husband. There’s no one more willing to employ you as an unpaid assistant than a recently single midlife man.

It does him no favours either. A man over 40 who has never booked his own doctor’s appointment needs to learn – and he won’t while someone else is doing it for him.

How to stop

Start by counting. Scroll back through a month of messages from him and note how many concerned things he could have found out himself. Most women are shocked by the number.

Then wait. When he next texts, leave it a day before replying and you’ll often find he’s worked it out on his own, even if he is huffy about it.

When you do reply, point rather than do. Send the link, the phone number or the name of the garage and let him make the call.

And at some point, say kindly and plainly: ‘I can’t be the person you ask about this any more. You’ll be fine.’

He will be. Most men are, eventually, once they realise the safety net you’ve been providing just keeps them tethered to their incompetence. And you’ll get back your precious time, and peace of mind.