How to tell if you’re terrible at sex: Two experts reveal the nine turn-offs that your other half is too kind to tell you about – and how to fix them

Personal question: are you a good lover? Most of us like to assume that, under the covers, we’ve got what it takes. But – whisper it – how do you know if you’re actually bad in bed?

If you’re unlucky, a disgruntled ex might tell you so as a parting shot. However, if the horizontal action isn’t thrilling in a loving relationship, your partner might not want to hurt your feelings. There could just be less sex.

Happily, anyone can improve in the bedroom, though exactly how might surprise you. Spoiler – it has nothing to do with looks, prowess, age or acrobatic abilities.

Here, we ask the experts to explain the no-nos, and yes-yes-yeses of being good in bed…

You’re too focused on performing

There is a performative element to sex as it’s a playful act but worrying about your performance isn’t helpful. Even the question ‘Am I good in bed?’ is about performance.

‘Compatibility is far more important than performance, which implies there’s some script we should perform to,’ says psychosexual and couples’ psychotherapist Clare Faulkner.

Good sex is not about an imagined benchmark of how long a man can last – or how pleasing a woman can be. The key, says Clare, is to ‘move away from this idea of good or bad’.

Certainly, avoid comparing yourself to what you see on telly: ‘Those scenes in programmes like Rivals – hot, racy sex in an airplane loo – make brilliant TV, but in real life would be uncomfortable.

‘When people have magnificent sex in real life, it can be a much slower experience.’

And don’t forget, sex is messy – so don’t take yourself too seriously.

You have a narrow definition of good sex

The widely held belief that good sex means simultaneous orgasms through penetration has a lot to answer for. Clare notes, ‘Only about 18 per cent of women orgasm through penetration alone.’ So it’s no wonder research shows that in straight couples, there’s an ‘orgasm gap’ – 95 per cent of heterosexual men usually or always achieve orgasm during sex, compared to just 65 per cent of heterosexual women.

‘We don’t see an orgasm gap in lesbian and gay couples,’ says Clare, ‘which suggests there’s something about the way we have sex in heterosexual relationships that might not be working for the woman.

‘We need to move away from the idea that sex is about chasing an orgasm, about running up this mountain and reaching the peak as fast as we can – if we get away from that, sex opens into a more expansive experience.’

Being better in bed comes from treating your entire body as erotic. Clare adds, ‘When people describe great sex it usually involves being fully connected to your own experience, your own body and your partner’s body, but it’s not about trying to impress.’

She advises a ‘wonderful’ ten-minute sensation-exploring exercise. You focus on your partner’s arm, for example. ‘You treat it like the only arm you’ve ever seen. You’re almost making love to the arm with your attention.’ You take turns to appreciate, and be adored. ‘It creates heightened emotions and makes you slow down, which is a really big piece of creating the energy for magnificent sex.’

You take everything personally

A man’s prowess is often thought to hinge on his staying power between the sheets. But the truth is, erections can go down, especially in men over 40. While women might interpret this as him no longer finding her attractive, the opposite can in fact be true – more often it’s the result of stress, nerves, or over-excitement.

Clare says, ‘If a man is really focusing on his partner, it can be likely that he loses his erection because focus is elsewhere. It’s a totally normal part of the process of lovemaking – especially if it’s going to be long, and if we explore different types of touch.’

You’ve stopped asking questions

In a long-term relationship, forgetting to be curious is common, says Clare. Sex can become routine, like ‘painting by numbers’. It’s fair enough – ‘we’re busy people; if we know certain things work, we take shortcuts’ – but it doesn’t make for scintillating sex.

Clinical sexologist and life coach Marie Morice compares getting stuck in a sexual routine to having a favourite meal: ‘Even if you love seafood pasta, if you only eat seafood pasta, it loses its appeal.’

The key then is to emphasise that ‘the goal is to enhance what’s already good’. As in, ‘We love our seafood pasta, that’s our go-to, but shall we try a new dish?’

As you caress your partner, suggests Clare, consider, ‘Who is this touch for? Is it for you, the receiver, or for me, the giver?’ She adds, ‘In a heterosexual couple, he might touch you in a particular way because that’s what he likes, but he hasn’t asked, “How do you like to be touched there?”’

It’s easier to start this conversation outside the bedroom, advises Clare. ‘You might begin with a hand massage.’ Say something like, ‘I’d like to massage your hand in a way that’s good for me. Then, I’d like to give you a hand massage in a way you’d like. What would that be?’ 

Your partner might say, ‘I really like soft stroking.’ Once you learn the difference, and the language of ‘how can I make this better for you?’, you can apply it in more intimate situations.

You’re judgmental (or terrified of being judged)

‘In a new partnership, people worry about doing the wrong thing, so they’re not being entirely themselves in the bedroom,’ says Marie. ‘I see this in a lot of women in midlife, especially when they come out of a long-term relationship.’ 

But we can also fear being judged in a long-term relationship – or be judgmental if our partner suggests something new.

Many worry that expressing what we’d like to try, and what we no longer fancy, will lead to upset, and our partner taking offence and thinking, ‘Oh, so I’ve been doing it wrong for 20 years?’

If you want to mix things up, Marie suggests you (tactfully) discuss your desire ‘accelerators’ and your ‘brakes’. So, you might say that having a row or your partner wearing socks in bed are brakes, for example. 

Whereas, Clare says, ‘an accelerator is something that moves you into feeling sexual – a back massage, or going on a quiet romantic walk together where you flirt and feel wanted, chosen, and desired. Or it could be playfulness, teasing or your partner’s brilliant humour. An accelerator isn’t necessarily something overtly sexual.’

And menopause might affect what you like in bed – what was once an accelerator, for example, might not do it for you any more. Clare adds, ‘Long-term couples do need to update their sexual script, and know what brings them pleasure now.’

You never talk about sex

Being good in bed means being able to communicate well. Sex is an intensely personal and sensitive subject, and can feel difficult to talk about. But, as Clare notes, ‘We often can have these chats with friends, but we can’t have them with our partner.’ Often, she says, this can be due to ‘fear that we’ll be disregarded or dismissed’.

She stresses, ‘The place to raise the subject is not in bed – it’s too pressurised and could feel critical.’ 

Marie suggests broaching it at the weekend, when you’re walking the dog perhaps. ‘Make it about your partner, so it doesn’t sound resentful. Say, “If you had a magic wand, what would be something you’d like to do in bed that we’re not exploring?”’

You’re miserable about how you look

‘Being confident in your body regardless of size – loving it – conveys an energy that’s really sexy,’ says Clare. Whereas, ‘If you’re feeling unsure in your body and going inward, that has an impact on the other person. If you’re curled up like a stone, you’re hard to engage with. If your heart is open, it pulls people towards us.’

She says, ‘When I think of confidence in the bedroom, it’s an open-heartedness, and acceptance of our unique imperfections.’ She suggests couples ask, ‘How can we embrace our bodies as they are now?’

How do we boost our body confidence though? ‘Ultimately it’s about shifting away from appearance to experience,’ says Clare. ‘You might ask yourself, “What does my body allow me to do? What movement do I do that feels good?”’

She adds, ‘Noticing your inner narrative and the critical voice and trying to replace it – “thank you but I don’t need you to judge me right now” – is important.’ Cutting down on social media can help, as it unhooks you from that comparison narrative.

‘Wear clothes that fit and that you feel good in,’ she continues. ‘Spend time in front of the mirror without evaluating your body. Instead, choose a part you like – “wow – those beautiful legs!”’

The aim is to move from punishment to pleasure, she explains. ‘It’s a practice. We’re not taught that. We’re encouraged not to love our bodies. But think about sensuality outside the bedroom – from the pleasure of having the wind blowing in our hair, or when it finally rains, the joy of feeling the drops on our skin. Or use a shower to really feel the water on your skin, and the pleasure of being in your body.’ 

She adds, ‘And if body positivity feels too hard, just start with trying to feel neutral.’

You believe your best sex is in the past

If you are engaged and interested in bed, you’re a good partner, says Clare – it doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 65. But in middle-age, some of us are convinced that our days (and nights) of good sex are behind us – an attitude which crushes enthusiasm and can make us lacklustre between the sheets.

Marie says, ‘There can be a nostalgia for youth, when you were able to have more spontaneous sex, when your body responded differently, when there was no vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction.’

It’s not helpful to pretend that none of these challenges matter. ‘There is a grieving process,’ she says. ‘It’s OK to be angry too.’ But, ‘You also need to be able to reclaim pleasure in midlife.’

Acknowledge what you’ve lost but celebrate your gains – you’ll have more self-knowledge, for example. Marie says, ‘When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted and I couldn’t direct my lovers in the same way.’

Midlife certainly doesn’t signify the end of your headboard-rattling years. ‘You can still have an amazing amount of pleasure, including deeper orgasms,’ Marie assures. But a good lover isn’t passive. ‘Investigate what you can do to help yourself,’ she says. Could localised oestrogen, lube, or Viagra be a game-changer? Or perhaps less of a focus on penetration.

And Clare suggests, ‘Make sure you do something new each time you have sex – take the duvet off, put the pillow at the other end of the bed, add scent, or music, or change the lighting. Treat every sexual encounter, even with a partner of 30 years, as something new.’

You’re never ‘bad’ in bed

‘Bringing a lightness to sex is really important,’ says Clare. Being a fun, sexy, and stimulating partner has far more to do with attitude than gold-star expertise.

‘The key bit is really being present to what’s playing out in front of you, and being responsive to your partner’s desire – rather than determinedly sticking to a routine,’ she says. ‘So if your partner moves in a certain way, or makes a particular noise, lean into that, rather than your normal “dance moves”. That spontaneity can create a really powerful sexual experience.’

And if you’re never cheeky in bed, you may not be fulfilling your erotic potential. ‘A lot of women feel they should be a good girl,’ says Marie. ‘But daring to be a bad girl in bed – letting go of your hang-ups – can be fun.’

She admits, ‘In a new relationship it can be easier. If you’ve been together for a long time, it can be hard to transition out of your other roles, and the daily grind.’

The solution? ‘It’s about compartmentalising. We do it in other parts of our lives, so let’s do it with sex. You might read an erotic novel to arouse you first. Give yourself permission to misbehave.’

clarefaulknertherapy.com

thepleasureatelier.co.uk