Should YOU be worried about your husband’s ‘work wife’: Experts reveal the red flags for emotional cheating – as Paul Hollywood jokes about Nigella Lawson ‘throuple’

It’s a close bond built on shared experiences, long hours and similar challenges.

But experts have warned that developing profound ties with a so-called ‘work husband’ or ‘work wife’ can also risk damaging your real-life marriage.

This week, Bake Off’s Paul Hollywood quipped that he is in a throuple with his ‘TV partner’ Nigella Lawson and his wife of three years, Melissa Spalding.

‘I have a TV partner, and I have a home partner,’ he joked, after contestant Gabe referenced to being in a ‘throuple boyband’.

‘Oh, so you’re in one as well, really,’ Gabe quipped, before an awkward Nigella then replied: ‘Erm, well… not quite.’

According to Dating and Relationship Coach Kate Mansfield, Paul’s lighthearted comment ‘raises a real point’ about the possible damages of so-called workplace ‘spouses’.

She told the Daily Mail: ‘There is a difference between having a close work friend and building an emotional attachment that starts to take up the space, energy and intimacy that should belong in your committed relationship.’

Here are the red flags that could indicate an emotional affair at work, and how to avoid crossing the line into infidelity if you’re growing close to a colleague…

You know very little about what goes on during their workday 

While your partner may not be familiar with the ins and outs of your workplace culture and day-to-day runnings, Kate advises ensuring that they are always kept in the loop to avoid feeling left out. 

‘Your partner should know who this person is and understand the nature of the friendship,’ she said. 

‘You should not feel the need to hide messages, minimise how often you speak or leave out details because you know they would make your partner uncomfortable.’

Meanwhile, Phil Macleod, psychologist and founder of Thought Reader, added that it is crucial to avoid ‘oversharing’ with your work ‘spouse’.

‘It is a danger zone and a boundary that you should not cross by starting to confide in other colleagues about your relationship,’ he said.

‘If you need to talk to someone about your life or relationship confide in someone outside of work or see a therapist who can help talk you through something on your mind.’

‘Sharing repeated, intimate details or complaining about your partner can create a closeness that could make it harder for you to see the situation with clarity.’

They’re always in touch outside of work hours  

Kate notes that while it may be tempting to bring the lighthearted jokes and casual conversations about work home with you, it is crucial to remember the importance of boundaries.

She explained: ‘A supportive work friendship is healthy. But be mindful of constant private messaging, late-night calls, flirtatious jokes, one-to-one drinks that feel secretive’.

Kate added that it is best to also typically avoid ‘sharing things with a colleague that you would not comfortably share in front of your partner.’

Phil, meanwhile, said: ‘Think about where lines could blur, whether it’s private messages, after-hours conversations or sharing intimate details for instance potentially crossing a line where you feel in a way that starts to feel uncomfortable.

‘If you know anything could steer into a territory where the bond you have with your work colleague could feel like it’s stepping over a line even, step back.

‘For example if a late night text is purely platonic, you don’t want that to trigger a pattern where you’re texting late at night, so it’s important to identify and set your boundaries and stick with them.

‘The simplest test is to ask yourself: “would I be completely comfortable with my partner seeing this message or conversation?” If the answer is no, be honest with yourself about why.’

They have deeply emotional discussions  

If you find yourself gaining more of an emotional connection with your colleague as opposed to your partner, Kate recommends asking yourself: ‘What am I getting from this person that I feel is missing in my relationship?’

‘Is it attention, admiration, fun, reassurance or feeling understood?’

‘Those needs are worth discussing and working on with your partner, rather than outsourcing them.’

However, Phil explained that often ’emotional intensity’ between you and a colleague can be ‘mistaken’ for ‘proof that the bond is your perfect match’.

Instead of falling victim to this, he advises being ‘honest with yourself about what that feeling actually means or proves’. 

‘You may know them extremely well in a work scenario but you don’t know what a relationship with them would look like alongside bills, family, responsibilities, tiredness and everyday life,’ he added. 

Your relationship is taking a back seat  

While work can often take priority at the forefront of our minds and time, investing in your relationship is key to ensure you remain closely connected. 

‘Good relationships do not run on autopilot,’ explained Kate. 

‘Make time for proper conversation, shared experiences, affection and repair after conflict. 

‘A bit of undivided attention can make a real difference when life feels busy or routine.’

Phil, likewise, added that ultimately, ‘communication, boundaries and honesty are key’. 

‘Remember that ultimately strong connections will be formed with the people we work with and it can be one of the positive parts of not just our work life but enrich our lives as a whole,’ he said.

‘With honesty, clear boundaries and clear communication, they remain just that.’

They speak to their colleague about problems first  

‘If the first person you want to tell about your day, your worries or your relationship problems is your “office husband” or “office wife”, rather than your partner, it is worth paying attention,’ Kate said. 

‘That can be a sign the emotional centre of the relationship is shifting.’

Phil added: ‘Pay attention to your thoughts as well as your actions. Are you giving them more headspace than you usually would and is it in proportion to their role or status in your life?

‘Are you checking for their messages, arriving at a meeting early because you know they will be there, or feeling differently when they are talking to somebody else?

‘This is where honesty and boundaries come together. Repeated thoughts and behaviours can quickly become automatic, so noticing the pattern gives you an opportunity to choose what happens next rather than simply allowing the relationship to gather momentum.’

The relationship is flirtatious  

Kate notes that while attraction can naturally ‘ebb and flow’ in a long-term relationship, workplace friendships should not be used as a distraction technique. 

‘It is also normal to notice that a colleague or someone else is attractive,’ she said. 

‘The issue is what you do next. If you turn to somebody else for validation, excitement or emotional closeness instead of working on the connection with your partner, that can become emotional cheating.’

Phil, meanwhile, said: ‘Life is about knowledge and understanding, if you recognise there are strong feelings and a pattern is emerging, change the pattern.

‘You don’t need to have had a physical affair for a boundary to have shifted, if the relationship has become something you need to conceal, be honest with yourself and the direction of travel.’ 

They dismiss your discomfort

To you, a workplace spouse may seem like a harmless quip or genuine friendship that you are excited about.

But Kate advises being considerate of your partner’s feelings of discomfort, particularly if they feel ‘excluded, compared or threatened’.

She added: ‘Do not tell them they’re being unreasonable. 

‘Listen to what is making them uncomfortable and agree on boundaries that protect the relationship.’

Kate’s tips for speaking to your partner if you are feeling uncomfortable about their ‘work spouse’…

Lead with how it feels, not an accusation

Kate: Use ‘I’ statements and be specific about the behaviour that is worrying you.

‘I know your friendship with them matters to you. I’ve noticed I feel a bit shut out when you are messaging late at night or sharing things with them that I didn’t know about. I want to talk about it rather than let it become resentment.’

Focus on the impact, not their character

Kate: Avoid labels such as ’emotional affair’ or ‘you are being inappropriate’ at the start. 

Those phrases can make someone defensive before they have heard what you’re actually saying.

Instead, try: ‘I’m not saying you can’t have close friendships. I’m saying I want us to agree what helps both of us feel respected and secure in this relationship.’

Be clear about the boundary you need

Kate: Vague concerns can turn into a circular argument. 

Say what would make a difference, whether that is less late-night messaging, more transparency, not discussing your relationship problems with a colleague, or making more protected time for the two of you.

For instance, ‘I would feel more comfortable if we kept late-night messages to work-related things, and if relationship issues stayed between us or were discussed with someone we both feel is appropriate.’

Ask, do not dictate

Kate: A boundary should be a conversation, not a set of rules imposed on one person.

‘What would feel fair to you? And is there anything I do with other people that could make you feel similarly uncomfortable?’

That keeps the focus on creating mutual standards, rather than controlling one another.

Choose the moment carefully

Kate: Do not raise it mid-argument, after checking their phone, or just as they’re leaving for work. Pick a calm moment and make it clear the goal is connection.

‘I love us and I want to protect what we have. Can we have a proper conversation about something that has been on my mind?’

The aim is not necessarily to make your partner cut someone off. It is to make sure neither of you is building a connection elsewhere that comes at the expense of your relationship.