I know first-hand why MGK is giving Dakota Johnson the ‘best sex of her life’. One naughty word comes to mind: JANA HOCKING

If there’s one thing I adore more than anything else, it’s hearing about other people’s sex lives. What specifically are they doing? How are they doing it? I want all the details.

Especially when they’re hot.

So when rumors, and then – praise be – actual quotes started popping up about Machine Gun Kelly’s, umm… stamina, I leaned in, dear reader, because I think I speak for most of the collective female race when I say… ‘Huh… really? Him? He of the terrible tattoos? He of the long, dangly limbs and spiky teenage-boy hair?

Yes, it appears MGK’s the one bedding the hottest women in the world, and wilder yet, they keep coming back for more. Take Megan Fox and MGK – they were breaking up and making up from 2023 well into 2025, with enough dramatic reconciliations to suggest that whatever he’s doing in the bedroom is worth a second, third and possibly fourth chance. And although Megan Fox walked back calling her ex her ‘twin flame’ when they first started dating in 2020, at one point the pair were so inseparable they consumed drops of each other’s blood for ritual purposes.

Right now MGK can’t seem to shake Dakota Johnson, after hitting it off with her at Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s July wedding.

One month earlier, Johnson had reportedly split from the music artist Role Model after an eight-month relationship, and before that she was on and off with Gwyneth Paltrow’s favorite consciously uncoupled lothario, Chris Martin.

But seriously, what is it that has these bonafide Hollywood beauties – women who, let’s face it, could surely have anyone – drooling at the altar of MGK? I have a few theories…

Let me start by saying the one word we’re all thinking… The man must be a tripod.

At 6’4′, he is built like a tall, spikey-haired, scrawny scarecrow.

I mean, remember when Ariana Grande announced to the world that Pete Davidson – 6’3′ by the way – had BDE, and suddenly women everywhere lost their minds?

What began as ‘Why is this gorgeous pocket rocket of a pop star dating this big, lanky dude?’ instantly turned into ‘Ooooooh, I get it now!’

Yes, sadly, sometimes we women can be that predictable.

And this is one of those moments I have to fall on my own sword. Because, if you’ve followed my column for a while, you’ll know I’ve always held firm views on penis size.

I’ve often said it’s not about length or girth, but the motion in the ocean that counts.

Well, it would appear I was wrong.

Oh, so very wrong.

Because a man I dated recently had the most exquisite package – and I finally understood why this debate stubbornly persists, no matter how hard we try to sound evolved.

The length. The girth. It was spectacular.

I’d always thought penises were rather unfortunate-looking things, but when he sent me a reminder the next morning – bathed in soft light – I’m ashamed to admit I reverted to a hopelessly horny teenager all over again.

The whole thing has left me puzzled.

I’ve had some lovely times with perfectly average-sized ones. In fact, one of the men who broke my heart was working with considerably less than what society would have us believe is ideal.

Which raises a fair question… if size doesn’t matter, why was I still thinking about this one days later?

The simple answer is: I was dickmatized.

Yes, it turns out that really is a thing, and once you’ve been (excuse the pun) prodded with one, that lovely experience does something to a part of our brain that usually makes wise decisions.

Poof. Gone. Overnight.

Suddenly we quite like the idea of spending the rest of our days with a man who can make us orgasm on command.

No surprises, but my man of choice chose to share his ‘gift’ with other women, and so I was blessed, for but a short while.

So when it comes to MGK, why else would this 36-year-old hoodie-wearing man who still dyes his tips blonde and wears his hair spiky, and exudes a ‘I used to smoke cigarettes behind the school building,’ vibe get so much attention from Hollywood’s sexiest darlings if he didn’t have other… attributes?

I mean, no man – I repeat, no man – should be allowed to wear a backwards hat over the age of 17. And yet these women appear to treat him like a sex god. Why else is Dakota following him to his music studio to sit adoringly as he records some more emo tunes.

But is it just an anatomy thing? Nope, there is another theory that has a bit more backing, considering the man himself has not only hinted at it, but said it directly.

Last year, at the F1 Grand Prix in Las Vegas, he gloated: ‘And just so you know, I’m not much far off from an F1 racer when I’m in the bedroom, because I’m very fast and it takes me a long time to get to the finish line.’

The man, it seems, has stamina.

But what makes him last so long?

It’s safe to assume he understands sex is a marathon, not a sprint.

If the answer is a resounding yes, let’s give this man a round of applause.

Although I think we can all agree to deduct points for the ‘I’m very fast’ part. No one likes a jackhammer. Slow it down there, tiger.

But the stamina, gents… that’s what has us women coming back for more. It’s exactly what we brag about at brunch with our friends. Not the Speedy Gonzales moves. Certainly not the droning on about cryptocurrency and stocks.

We brag about good lovers who go the distance and – shock, horror – actually wait for us to reach climax as well.

And sure, he’s probably very lovely as well. His exes include Amber Rose, Kate Beckinsale and Noah Cyrus. He has two children by two different women – Megan Fox and Emma Cannon, his teenage love – and none have come out looking for vengeance, so that’s a win.

Actually, to be fair, his relationship with Megan could best be described as ‘tumultuous,’ and we all know those kinds of relationships can be addictive.

The on-off, hot-and-cold nature of their relationship is terrible for the cortisol levels, but deeply arousing.

As a girly with a former addiction to toxic men (OK, OK, it still lingers) I know what an aphrodisiac it can be to chase a man who has options and isn’t afraid to remind you of it.

Maybe the hottest women simply like a man who doesn’t go completely ga-ga for them. I mean, let’s look at the paparazzi shots for a second. We don’t see MGK rocking up to Dakota’s movie sets. No, no. We see her rocking up to his recording studio.

Dakota is giving chaser energy. And girl, trust me, I’ve been there.

So that’s my final, but solid, theory: the hottest women are having the hottest sex with men who don’t act like thirsty golden retrievers.

Toxic? Yes. But annoyingly true… oh yes.

So I tip my hat to you, Mr Machine Gun Kelly. He of various sexual attributes. May you one day give a TED Talk and explain to the men of the world exactly how you do it. Speaking from experience, a lot of them could do with a few tips.