I made a sickening discovery in my wife’s sock drawer… If this is what she really wants, I can’t stomach it: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My wife and I know everything about each other. But the other day, as I was putting our laundry away, I found something tucked away in her sock drawer that made my stomach drop.

Hidden in the very back corner of the drawer was a small box, and inside was a trove of old love letters from an ex-boyfriend.

I know they’re private, but I couldn’t help reading a few. They waxed poetic about their love for each other, making cheeky comments about their sex life, and promised to be ‘together forever.’

Clearly not, given the fact that I’m married to her, but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy and hurt. They surely held some sentimental value to her – he was, after all, her longest relationship before me.

Why had she kept these letters all these years – hidden away, no less?

It inspired me to do something I’m not proud of: go through her laptop. I just wanted to see if they were still in touch – or if I should be worried. I was convinced she wouldn’t be honest with me if that was the case. 

I discovered emails between them dating back years. 

They had been keeping in touch, checking in, sharing photos of their respective families – nothing close to cheating, but still an emotional boundary that seemed to be crossed.

I’m so conflicted. I don’t want to confront her then blow up my marriage and I don’t want to tell her what to do. 

I just feel so betrayed despite the fact they are clearly just platonic friends.

Sincerely,

Sock Drawer Secret

Dear Sock Drawer Secret,

We all have a past. 

And, specifically, we all have past loves that were once incredibly meaningful despite not being destined to be for the long-term. 

Ending things, meeting someone else, getting married, doesn’t automatically erase all the feelings we once had for other people. But nor does holding on to those feelings mean that we secretly long to be with them.

I would argue that no emotional boundary has been crossed here. The very fact that they have kept each other up-to-date on their lives actually shows a level of emotional maturity that is rare. 

It’s an old flame who she is still in touch with, and there is no hint of them being anything other than two people who have known each other a long time and still care about one another. 

There is nothing sinister in that.

And no, you don’t get to tell her what to do. Nor should you ever go snooping in her drawers or on her laptop again. 

If anything, you should be relieved that you didn’t find anything worse. 

Be thankful that you are married to the kind of woman who is able to maintain a cordial relationship with an ex rather than sizzling on a spit of anger – and remember that you are her chosen one, because you are a lucky man indeed.

Dear Jane,

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve put on a few pounds since I started dating my boyfriend.

It didn’t bother me much, and he always told me how much he adored me, never making me think that it was an issue.

But on our anniversary, he told me he got us a gift we could do ‘together.’

I thought it was a trip or some sort of shared activity – but no, he signed us both up for the gym.

He said he thought it would be a great way to ‘bond’ while also helping me lose the ‘relationship weight’ I had gained.

Ouch. That comment really stung, and while I know he didn’t mean it to, I couldn’t help but immediately feel offended and self-conscious.

Not to mention, he’s been pinching my thighs and stomach and calling my apparent pudge ‘cute,’ and it feels like a back-handed compliment.

I’ve asked him to stop and told him that his remarks hurt my feelings, but he says he’s just worried about my ‘health.’

While I can appreciate the thought, it makes me feel so bad about myself and has also made me question if I want to be with someone who sees nothing wrong with making these kinds of comments.

Sincerely,

Weighed Down

Dear Weighed Down,

A woman’s weight is a very complicated issue and we often feel ashamed when anyone else comments on it.

I am familiar with those backhanded compliments, those gentle suggestions couched in concerns over health, and I do think this is problematic on many levels. 

Primarily, because you told him how you felt, asked him to stop when he pinched your body and called it ‘cute,’ and instead of respecting your feelings, he compounded it with the gift of the gym membership.

His behavior shows a lack of respect. While it doesn’t mean he’s being intentionally malicious, continuing this behavior knowing that it hurts you is a sign of something more serious – and a big red flag.

I wonder how emotionally safe you would feel with him; a man who doesn’t respect a boundary he thinks insignificant, is probably not a man with whom you can build a healthy relationship.

So no, it would not be ridiculous to break up with someone over this. In fact, it might be the very best thing you can do for yourself.