‘I’m married, but can’t stop thinking about my ex. He was the love of my life.’ There’s one thing you MUSTN’T do, says DEAR CAROLINE – here’s how to move on

Dear Caroline,

I have a solid marriage, although no children, but I am still plagued by thoughts about my first serious relationship many years ago. We were engaged and planning our future when he got cold feet and called it off. Six months later, a mutual friend told me that he had married. I felt devastated as I had hoped we would get back together eventually. He was the love of my life. 

This was a long time ago, but I find that I still think of him – of what might have been. In private moments I often break down. I also find it difficult to trust anyone. I have not seen him since, but I know how I could contact him. I feel the need to tell him of the ‘car crash’ he left behind, to just have one final conversation with him for closure. 

I am so frustrated that I have let his memory follow me over the decades. My head tells me this would gain nothing. If he told me he’d made a mistake and should have stayed with me it would break my heart, but if he were to say he’d never thought about me it would have the same impact. How can I stop being tormented by this?

Caroline writes: I’m very sorry this is still so painful for you. To break up with someone who you had been planning a future followed by the shock of him moving on so quickly must have hit very deeply.

I want to say as gently as I can though that what you are holding on to now is not reality. Over the years, this relationship has been frozen in your mind at its most intense point and, understandably, imbued with everything you hoped it would become. But it never had the chance to be tested by ordinary life. Please don’t be tempted to contact this man. You’ve already thought through the possible scenarios, and none of them lead to a good outcome.

I imagine you have never addressed this loss and grief in therapy, which is perhaps what you need to do now.

These looping thoughts are bordering on obsessive and a structured approach such as cognitive behavioural therapy might help to loosen their grip. It would also give you a chance to talk about your marriage and what you truly want.

It worries me that you call your former partner ‘the love of your life’. You have a long-standing marriage, yet a part of you is still emotionally tied elsewhere which creates a distance from your husband that you might not even be aware of. If you are constantly thinking of someone else, it doesn’t allow you to concentrate on your marriage and invest fully in that.

One painful truth might be that this marriage is not right for you – perhaps you married on the rebound of this previous relationship and so you are stuck in the past. However, it could be that because you never worked through these feelings, and because of your issues with trust, you have been holding back all these years, afraid of getting hurt again.

Looking to strengthen and nurture the marriage you have might help you to let go of an unrealistic fantasy. Find counselling through relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk to explore all this.

Finally, you could read The Sea, The Sea – an utterly compelling book by Iris Murdoch, which reveals the reality of an idealised relationship and the trap that it can keep someone in. It is in many ways a painful read, but it might help you to stop going through all the ‘what if’s and be able to move forward.

She ignores my child-rearing advice

Dear Caroline,

My daughter-in-law (my youngest son’s wife) is pleasant enough but has always been directionless and a bit vague. Now they have a 15-month-old baby. 

However, she is refusing to start potty training him. I brought up four boys and they were all potty-trained by the time they were 18 months old but she ignores my advice. She says that it is too early and he doesn’t seem ready yet. 

I am worried that she is setting up problems for herself by being too laid-back and that my youngest grandson will be left to his own devices too much and not be given enough structure. 

Caroline writes: Try to relax. You seem overly worried about such a tiny aspect of child-rearing, and letting yourself catastrophise from that thought to imagining a whole unravelling of your grandson’s future. In fact, some studies show that potty-training has greater success if you tackle it after two years old. 

Moreover, this is really not your call – it is up to his parents to make those decisions. But underneath what most would see as interference, I suspect that there might be a strong anxiety-driven need for control. Perhaps also you feel a bit left out because daughters-in-law tend to take their own mother’s advice. No single way of parenting is right or wrong. 

So try to identify where your anxiety comes from and then step back. Offering gentle advice is fine, but if you push too hard you risk alienating your son and daughter-in-law.