It’s easy to laugh at ‘trashy Tammy’ and her toyboy… but what I’m hearing about her ex on the dating scene makes me think she had a lucky escape: JANA HOCKING

Last night, an absurdly handsome man appeared on my Instagram feed, and of course I leaned in, curious to hear what this flawless specimen had to say.

Then… he opened his mouth.

And dear God – if this is the benchmark for modern dating, we’re all in serious trouble.

The man was Matt Zukowski, the former Love Island contestant whose claim to fame is being married to Tammy Hembrow for less than a year.

In the video, he began by explaining he had slid into a woman’s DMs.

Now prepare yourselves, ladies. Hold a guardrail and try not to swoon too hard. 

The message he sent read… ‘Hello.’

That was it!

The woman replied, ‘Is that the best you’ve got?’ It was a fair question. 

But our handsome hero seemed genuinely baffled. It was as though he’d just delivered the opening monologue from The Notebook and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t already packing an overnight bag.

Puzzled, he turned to his followers for assistance.

‘What would catch your attention, ladies, if a guy’s sliding into your DMs? Give me a chop out here.’

Firstly, what on earth is a ‘chop out’?

And secondly, we have apparently reached a point in modern dating where some men require community assistance to flirt.

A grim day indeed.

I remember not long ago we were also scoffing at Tammy packing on the PDA with her new toyboy, 23-year-old Grayson Te Moana. Was canoodling at the park a little, dare I say, trashy? Did the mother of three look just a little too enamoured on the red carpet?

Perhaps. But now it occurs to me that maybe Tammy has found in young Grayson what was lacking in her failed marriage. A bit of good conversation? Something a little more scintillating in the morning than ‘hello’?

Naturally, I drifted to the comments section of Matt’s video – only to find a chorus of women doing this man no favours at all. They fawned over his message, declared that ‘hello’ was perfectly acceptable, and all but begged him to slide into their DMs next.

Come on, ladies. We are better than this!

I sent the reel to a buzzy and unforgiving group chat, saying: ‘Seriously. Is this what we’re dealing with now?’ 

One response made me laugh: ‘Ah yes, another man with Tall Man Syndrome.’

The theory is, the taller a man is, the less personality he feels is required to make him attractive.

Things only got worse as I scrolled to the next reel on my nightmare Instagram algorithm. It was former MAFS groom Paul Antoine. You know, that one who punched a wall during an argument. Charming.

And once again, I was reminded that an attractive face can only carry a man so far.

The clip was from a podcast interview. The host asked: ‘Who’s the most impressive person you’ve ever met?’

Without even a flicker of irony, Paul replied: ‘Do you know who? Probably myself.’

Straight-faced. Completely serious.

Then came the cinematic montage: him in sunglasses, smoking a cigarette, hair slicked back, leather jacket on, moodily strutting down train tracks like the lead singer of a band that exclusively performs at vape conventions.

Very tortured bad boy. Very ‘women can’t handle me’.

All I could picture was him setting up a ring light by the tracks, sprinting into position for a brooding walk, then dashing back to check if he looked mysterious enough.

It struck me that so many men are obsessed with being tall and looking masculine, but spend almost no time learning how to actually be charming.

They’ve lost the art of good banter.

We don’t care if you can brood in a leather jacket beside train tracks. We want to know if you can make us laugh over dinner. Ask an interesting question. Hold a conversation without checking your phone every six seconds.

A simple ‘hello’ says: I’m handsome enough to skip the effort altogether.

Contrary to what the internet keeps telling men, women aren’t demanding six-pack abs and Lamborghinis. We’re simply begging for a personality. 

Heck, even a hint of substance.

Maybe that’s why so many women are exhausted by dating right now.

It’s not that there’s a shortage of attractive men – dear lord, they’re everywhere. These days, the algorithm delivers them to us like Uber Eats.

But eventually, you realise that hotness is actually the least interesting thing about someone – especially when the man attached to those enticing abs sounds like he was raised by motivational podcasts.

Say what you will about Tammy, but the woman has built an empire largely off her personality. Sixteen million followers don’t hang around merely because someone is blonde and beautiful. Plenty of gorgeous women fail to build a following like Tammy’s, no matter how hard they try. The ones who succeed, or at least come close, are the ones who are likeable and engaging. 

Which makes Tammy’s choice in men all the more baffling to me.

How does a woman with that much charisma end up with a man whose opening romantic gambit is the verbal equivalent of dry toast?

And before I’m accused of ‘hating masculinity,’ let me be clear: the genuinely attractive men I know are not the ones working overtime to look alpha.

They’re the ones comfortable enough in themselves to ditch the performance entirely.

Thankfully, just as my faith in modern dating was beginning to evaporate entirely, the algo served up one final palate cleanser.

It was a clip of Javier Bardem being asked by a reporter: ‘How does it feel to be the only man in the world who enjoys working with his wife?’ (His wife being the beautiful and talented Penelope Cruz).

A few in the audience laughed.

But without missing a beat, he looked the reporter dead in the eye and said, ‘The question is of extremely bad taste.’

That stopped the laughter immediately. Then people started clapping. 

Strangely, that fleeting moment felt sexier than all the ‘hey’ texts and brooding, cigarette-smoking montages put together.

There was no need to prove he was ‘the man’ – just the quiet confidence to recognise when something’s off and call it out, calmly and directly.

That’s what’s genuinely attractive, gents. No fist-in-walls required.

Bravo to Javier and men like him. Long may they remind us why our standards remain high.