I’ve been married 17 years and my husband just inherited $400k. He says the money is his alone: VANESSA STOYKOV

Dear Vanessa,

My husband and I are in our 40s and have been married for 17 years. We have two kids and a mortgage.

His dad recently died and left him $400,000.

When he told me, I thought it was amazing. Obviously it came from something sad, but I thought it could really change things for us. We could pay a big chunk off the mortgage and take some pressure off.

My husband doesn’t see it that way at all.

He says it’s his inheritance and he should decide what happens to it. He wants to buy a motorbike, do some travelling and invest the rest himself.

I was pretty shocked.

We’ve always shared our money. Everything we earn goes towards our life together. There have been times when I’ve earned less because of the kids, but I’ve never thought of the money coming into our house as his or mine.

I don’t have a problem with him spending some of it on himself. I actually think he should. But $400,000 is a lot of money and we still have a mortgage.

When I suggested putting most of it into the house, he basically said, ‘Why should I use my inheritance to pay off our mortgage?’

That really upset me.

We’ve been married for 17 years. It’s our house and our mortgage. At least that’s how I’ve always thought about it.

Now I’m wondering if I’ve been looking at our finances completely differently to him all these years.

Am I wrong to expect him to use some of his inheritance to help our family? 

Or do I just have to accept that his dad left the money to him and it’s his to do whatever he wants with? 

Confused Wife

Dear Confused Wife,

I can see why that comment upset you.

After 17 years of sharing bills, raising children and paying a mortgage together, hearing your husband suddenly describe a large amount of money as ‘mine’ would feel like the rules had changed.

But I don’t think the real issue here is the $400,000.

It’s your values around money.

You see money as something that can create security for the family. Your first thought was the mortgage: reduce the debt, take some pressure off and put yourselves in a stronger position for the future.

Your husband sees this money differently. His father left it to him, and perhaps he sees it as a chance to enjoy things he has always wanted – the motorbike, travel and having some money of his own.

Neither of those feelings is necessarily wrong.

The problem is that you haven’t agreed on what this money means.

Before you argue about the motorbike or how much should go on the mortgage, I would have a much bigger conversation.

Ask each other: What does money mean to you? What makes you feel secure? What do you want the next 10 or 20 years of your life to look like? What do you believe you owe yourselves, each other and your children?

And ask him why keeping this inheritance separate matters so much to him.

There may be something underneath it that has nothing to do with the actual dollars. It could be his connection to his father. It could represent freedom. Or receiving $400,000 may have simply made him think differently about what he wants from the next stage of his life.

You should be able to explain your side too. Paying down the mortgage isn’t just a financial calculation for you. It represents security and a shared future.

This is also enough money that I would suggest getting experienced financial advice before making any major decisions. An adviser can help you look at different scenarios – paying down the mortgage, investing some of the inheritance, spending some of it, or a combination – and understand what each could mean for your future.

You can find an adviser here.

But an adviser can’t decide what matters most to the two of you.

You have to do that together.

Sometimes a sudden amount of money doesn’t create a problem in a relationship. It simply reveals a conversation that was always waiting to happen.

All the best, 

Vanessa 

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