My husband only wants sex when I don’t – and when I’m desperate for it, he can’t perform. Is this how our marriage will die? ASK JANA

Dear Jana,

My partner and I have completely mismatched sexual timing, and it’s starting to cause problems.

I’m at my horniest after we’ve been out for dinner and had a few drinks – that’s when I feel relaxed and desperate to tear his clothes off. 

Unfortunately, alcohol has the opposite effect on him: even if he’s in the mood, after a few drinks he struggles to get or maintain an erection. The more he worries about it, the worse it gets.

He, on the other hand, prefers sex first thing in the morning, when he wakes up ready to go. But morning sex does nothing for me. The thought of stinky breath and pre-showered bodies is just repulsive to me. I just want to get up and start my day. 

I’ve tried going along with it, but he can always tell when I’m not really into it – which just makes him feel rejected. 

We still fancy each other and our sex life is good when we manage to catch each other at the right moment. We just seem to want it at completely different times. 

How do we find a compromise without one of us having sex when we don’t really feel like it? 

Sexually Out of Sync

Dear Sexually Out of Sync,

Ahhh yes, the infamous whisky dick. The vodka flop. The Brewer’s droop. I keep these men in my thoughts and prayers.

Although, I have to admit I’m with your partner on loving morning sex. You’re all warm and cuddly, and an orgasm is a rather glorious way to start the day.

However, telling you to keep a toothbrush beside the bed doesn’t solve the larger problem, which is that your bodies are running on completely different sexual clocks.

The obvious compromise is to stop waiting until either midnight or sunrise. Have sex before you go out for dinner, when he is still fully operational and you’re looking hot. 

May I suggest a quick romp in the walk-in wardrobe as you’re getting ready, or a saucy little session against the kitchen bench?

Never underestimate the thrilling rush of a quickie. 

If you need a little help switching out of everyday mode, pour yourself one drink while you’re getting ready, but don’t wait until you’re several wines deep and his pecker has clocked off for the night.

You could also meet him halfway in the morning. Get up, brush your teeth, have a quick shower and then climb back into bed. Morning sex can still be fresh.

There is one other thing worth considering. If alcohol is the only time you feel relaxed enough to really want sex, timing may only be part of the issue.

Work out what those drinks are giving you. Trust me, back in my twenties it took three Bacardi Breezers before I felt brave enough to get a little filthy, but it turns out there are far fewer hangover-inducing ways to bring that confidence into sober sex.

Start by dimming the lights or slipping into lingerie that makes you feel va va voom. Sometimes looking the part is all it takes to summon your inner sex kitten.

Neither of you should be submitting to sex you don’t want. You simply need to stop treating his preferred time and yours as the only two appointments available. 

If his penis is an early riser and your libido prefers cocktail hour – split the difference and meet for happy hour.

Dear Jana, 

My best friend is cheating on her husband and has started using me as her alibi.

She confessed to the affair a month ago and promised it was over, but since then her husband has twice mentioned nights she supposedly spent at my house – when she wasn’t actually here.

I panicked but played along. Now she just assumes I’ll cover for her whenever she wants to see him.  

The problem is, her husband is also my friend, and I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. Last weekend, he thanked me for looking after her because she’s been ‘going through a difficult time’.

I felt sick – her so-called ‘difficult time’ was actually a night at a hotel with one of the dads from their daughter’s school.

I told her I won’t lie for her again. She was furious and said exposing the affair would destroy her children’s lives; if I refuse to cover for her, I’m choosing my conscience over her family.

I don’t want to betray my best friend, but she’s already made me part of the betrayal. Do I give her a deadline to come clean, or step back and let their marriage be their problem? 

Cover Girl 

Dear Cover Girl,

First things first, this woman has mistaken her best friend for a doormat. I’m sorry, but the moment you expressed discomfort, that should’ve been the end of it. 

We spend so much time hunting for red flags in romantic partners that badly behaved friends are often allowed to parade right past us. 

Your friend has confused loyalty with providing an alibi. We’ve all joked about helping our best mate hide a body, but most of us understand that as a half-serious promise made after too many margaritas. She, on the other hand, has treated it like a binding contract and made you her scapegoat. She’s taking the piss.

And don’t buy into her line about ‘destroying her children’s lives.’ You didn’t book the hotel room – the lust has clearly made her both delusional and manipulative.

I wouldn’t give her a deadline to confess; you’re neither her mother nor the marriage police. Nor would I run to her husband with the truth. Step out of this sordid little drama, and make one thing brutally clear: she is never to use your name again. 

If her husband mentions another supposed sleepover at your house, simply say, ‘She wasn’t with me. You’ll need to ask her where she was.’ Then let the silence do the heavy lifting.

As for the friendship, I suspect it has already revealed its expiry date. Her reaction has given you a fairly brutal glimpse of what you mean to her. The minute you resigned as her alibi, your years of friendship suddenly mattered less than her next hotel booking.

Remember that.

Dear Jana,

I recently joined a dating app after being divorced for five years and, while swiping one evening, I came across my daughter’s boyfriend.

They have been together for almost two years and my daughter believes they are very serious. His profile included recent photographs and said he was looking for ‘something casual’, so I took screenshots before swiping away.

I called him the next day and gave him the chance to explain. He claimed he had deleted the app months ago and had no idea his profile was still appearing. He then begged me not to tell my daughter because it would cause unnecessary trouble between them.

I want to believe him, but something feels off. If I tell her, I risk blowing up her relationship over a profile he may genuinely have forgotten to delete. 

If I say nothing and she later discovers he has been cheating, she will know I had evidence and kept it from her.

Do I tell my daughter what I saw, or give him the benefit of the doubt? 

Mother Knows Best 

Dear Mother Knows Best,

I can sum my verdict up in one word: lies.

He’s telling porkies, and they aren’t even convincing ones.

Let’s look at the facts. He’s been with your daughter for almost two years. The profile had recent photos, and in typical cheater style, it stated ‘Something casual.’ 

Case closed. Bang the gavel.

Now, I genuinely believe there’s only one simple solution: tell her.

Back in the days when I was still allowed on the apps (they hate to see a dating columnist popping on for a swipe), I stumbled across a married man I knew. The absolute buffoon had even airbrushed his photos, because sneaking around on your wife wasn’t cringe enough on its own.

I knew his wife too, though not well enough to feel right barging in with screenshots – so publicly, I stayed quiet. Privately, I sent the screenshots to a friend so we could be outraged together, which wasn’t exactly the moral high ground I told myself it was. 

To this day, when I see them looking happily loved-up on Instagram, I feel for her. But as we’ve learnt from this very column, a cheater usually slips up eventually. And so we wait…

You don’t have that luxury. This is your daughter, and she deserves to know what you found. Show her the screenshots, repeat his explanation, then step back and let her decide.

She may choose to stay with him. That’s her call. At least she’ll make it with her eyes open.

And do it soon. He’s already had time to prepare his story for her. Don’t let your hesitation become his head start.

Tell her. Then hand her the gavel.