The ugly truth about Armie Hammer’s gory new vigilante flick loved by Elon Musk and banned in Germany… that shot to the number one movie in America: KENNEDY

For a minute, Armie Hammer’s new blood-soaked vigilante flick looked like a summer blockbuster.

Citizen Vigilante is one of the highest-rated movies of 2026 on Rotten Tomatoes. It was the number one streaming film on Amazon and Apple in the US and Canada. And a few big MAGA World folks said they loved it. Then Germany banned the movie and Elon Musk blasted out a link to watch it for free on X. ‘Citizen Vigilante 2 will be even better,’ he posted.

Well, it better be because Citizen Vigilante 1 is a god-awful mess!

I’m not happy to write this review. I’ve been a big fan of Hammer since he exploded onto the scene in The Social Network, playing both Winklevoss twins.

Then he got his keister canceled after some of the creepiest sexual assault allegations my delicate ears have ever heard, including claims that he was a blood-thirsty cannibal. (Hammer denies it all and was never charged with a crime.)

This all makes his cinematic-return choice even more curious, as this is a film that defiles the mind.

Hammer plays the wealthy son of a successful American landlord, living in an unnamed European city. The character’s name is Michael Sanders, an ex-military man with daddy issues and a sloppy mashup of American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman, Jason Bourne and Ayn Rand’s Howard Roark – minus the character development, any moral compass or coherent motivation.

To describe Citizen Vigilante as a senseless orgy of violence and abominable scriptwriting would be generous.

Sanders, for some unexamined reason, has dedicated his life (as the son of a landlord, he presumably cashes checks for a living, so he needs a hobby) to murdering criminal illegal immigrants and their supposed enablers who are terrorizing the good people of Bumblef***istan.

He ambushes eastern European mobsters with machine guns in pitch black hallways, lures rapists into apartment buildings to shoot them and executes a progressive judge by jabbing him in the neck with a lethal dose of heroin before slashing his wrists.

As it turns out, this purported hero will kill just about anyone, despite telling an adoring public: ‘I do this for you, until you learn to do it yourself.’

In one scene, he forces a driver off an isolated stretch of road – the viewer never gets to see who the innocent victim is – causing them to flip over and presumably die in a fiery explosion. It’s not exactly the ending to Thelma and Louise, and man would I have loved a little shirtless Brad Pitt at this point.

Michael Sanders, I guess, is supposed to be some great moralist, according to German filmmaker Uwe Boll. But Sanders is not above engaging in the exploitative sex trade (so Boll could pile a gratuitous nude scene on this self-indulgent mess, I assume).

Sanders throws the hooker an extra couple of bucks before leaving her in a mold-infested apartment… because he’s such a decent fellow.

Another scene depicts him executing an entire family of immigrants whose son raped a teenage girl, while blathering about the dangers of radical Islam and then shooting the daughter because he didn’t like something she posted on social media.

I’ve already given this slop too much column-space. But the real irony is that you and I likely would never have been subjected to this, except the global nanny-statists descended, banning the film in Germany and reportedly suppressing it in South Korea, the United Kingdom and Taiwan, making Citizen Vigilante a cause célèbre.

Look, my problem with the movie is not only that it absolutely sucks, but that it pushes the stereotype that people who have legitimate gripes over unregulated immigration and the corruption of democracies by virtue-signaling progressives are monsters.

There is a legitimate political point to be made about Europe’s suicidal immigration policies without endorsing gratuitous murder. No person (minus the sick and depraved) who wants to stop illegal immigration wants to harm innocents. There are reasonable and humane solutions to an era of global mass migration.

This movie doesn’t advance the cause – it sets it back.

Kamrade Kamala

Speaking of desperate comebacks, Kamala Harris is still grasping relevance and since traditional roads to the presidency elude her, she’s cozying up to socialists to try and juice her chances.

Harris has reportedly been courting NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani, hoping to warm herself in his Soviet glow.

What’s next, taking a girls’ trip to North Korea with AOC and Ilhan Omar? Even they don’t want her near their Squad!

Hangry

Skinny Serena Williams’ comeback came to a crashing halt, losing in the first round of Wimbledon. Then, the cranky (one-time) greatest living female athlete skipped a mandatory post-match news conference.

After all her GLP-1 weight loss, I can only assume she was raiding the hotel fridge.

DOA WNBA

On the topic of great athletes, I asked former NBA center and human rights activist Enes Freedom what advice he has for WNBA Indiana Fever phenom, Caitlin Clark.

‘The WNBA is just pathetic,’ he said of the league’s failure to protect their cash cow from relentless targeting by opponents. ‘Many people never cared about it before Caitlin came into the league. If she packs up and plays in Asia or Europe, the league is going down.’

Hey Caitlin – that’s called leverage.

First Meanie

Former First Lady Michelle Obama went from being a White House bully to becoming a full-blown Hollywood ‘b**** oh wheels,’ a Tinseltown source told the Daily Mail.

A behind-the-scenes leaker claimed Barack’s angrier half blackballed Cheryl Hines from Larry David’s America 250 project, Life, Larry and the Pursuit of Unhappiness.

Hines was David’s co-star for 12 seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but Michelle reportedly put the brakes on Mrs Bobby Kennedy Jr’s party bus.

If true, that’s not exactly taking the high road.

It’s finally here!

We all thought it was a very clever ruse, a bait-and-switch for the ages, a fake Easter egg placed in our eager baskets, but it’s real, kids: TAYLOR AND TRAVIS ARE ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEK AT MSG!!!

Taytay’s head of security was spotted outside the World’s Most Famous Arena here in New York City and her private jet touched down in New Jersey on Tuesday afternoon.

There’s only one thing left for me to do: cozy up with the Swifties and puke-covered hobos around Penn Station in this triple-digit heat to catch a glimpse of Taylor’s incandescent bridal smile.

Can I make a bikini out of friendship bracelets?