My wedding night was ruined by the discovery of my husband’s terrible bedroom secret… I already want a divorce: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

I have only just got married – but I already fear I’ve made a fatal mistake.

It may seem dramatic but, on what was meant to be the best night of my life, my new husband’s performance fell so far short of ideal that it has made me reconsider spending my life with him.

You see, we are religious and ‘saved ourselves’ for marriage, which meant we’d never had sex or even been more intimate than sharing a kiss. It also meant I had no clue how underwhelming he would be.

Call me shallow, but it’s true.

I’ll spare you the details but, after all the build up of anticipation and excitement, let’s just say it was so utterly unsatisfactory that it sent me into a tailspin as I lay there trying to sleep on our wedding night.

On our honeymoon, I was determined to approach the issue with renewed pragmatism. Perhaps is was a one-off event. Perhaps he was overwhelmed by nerves.

But, no. The problem persisted.

And to make matters worse, he has no idea how I feel. And if I’m being honest, I’m too embarrassed to tell him. 

I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I also don’t know that there’s an easy way to fix this. Let’s just say the issue is fairly… systemic.

And there is just no way that I can spend the rest of my life having bad sex. After all, I’ve already waited so long.

Am I being dramatic, or is this worth divorcing over?

Sincerely,

Regretful Wife

Dear Regretful Wife,

While this is undoubtedly a problem, I don’t think that it’s an automatic road to divorce court.

The fact is, you have saved yourself for marriage, so intimacy is new to you.

Many couples have awkward or disastrous first sexual experiences. 

It takes comfort, communication, playfulness, openness, trust and honesty to really discover one another’s bodies. Once you add in nerves, inexperience and expectations into the mix, it is not surprising that sex is not satisfactory.

But there are many ways for a couple to be satisfied, but it is far too early to decide that your sex life is permanently broken – you have not yet given it a chance.

Sexual compatibility is key to a good relationship, and wanting a fulfilling sex life is not an unreasonable ask, but thinking about divorce when you haven’t communicated honestly is. 

Because this is all so new for you, I understand how difficult it may be to talk about this openly. But he can’t possibly be expected to work on something he doesn’t even know is a problem.

Tell him how much you love him, how happy you are to be married, and that although sex is new for you, what you have been trying has not been working.

Communication, experience and practice are the keys to a fulfilling intimate life, but the only way to achieve it is to put in the work together.