Could a crush save your marriage? TRACEY COX reveals how eyeing up another man can work wonders – and the warning signs you’re in dangerous territory

‘My husband knows that I pretend he’s Tom Hardy when I sleep with him. He doesn’t mind: the sex is better, and that’s all he cares about.’

‘I’ve been with my partner since we were teenagers. A mild flirtation at the school gate with a sexy Dad I’m crushing on, isn’t going to hurt anyone.’

There’s been a lot of chat about crushes lately – and not just amongst my friends.

It’s the debate of the moment, with some arguing that fancying other people isn’t just inevitable but healthy for long-term relationships. Others believe having a crush is playing with fire: you might enjoy the heat, but they can very quickly get out of control and burn everyone.

I land somewhere in the middle.

I believe a crush is an excellent way to inject a desire boost into a stale relationship – but there’s no denying there’s a dangerous element.

First, though, the positive perks.

Having a crush makes you feel attractive and sexy

Being attracted to someone new, or sensing they might be attracted to you, wakes you up. It reminds you what excitement feels like – and that there are people other than your partner in the world who find you attractive.

Crushes can be a great confidence boost. You feel more attractive and interesting which, in turn, makes you more interesting to your partner.

They tackle the monotony of monogamy

I’ve always been an advocate of letting our fantasies roam wherever they want to. Monogamy is hard and anything that reignites desire should be welcomed.

There’s a reason why 90 per cent of women and 96 per cent of men have sexual fantasies: imagining having sex with someone you haven’t had sex with before can make sex with the person you’ve slept with hundreds of times way more appealing and enjoyable.

If this is a crush that’s controlled – a mild flirtation – it can be a harmless escape. A bit like watching Jacob Elordi onscreen and imagining him naked. You’re unlikely to meet him in real life, or (sadly) have him find you as attractive as you do him.

This is why celebrity crushes on people you’re never likely to meet are the safest to have. Anything that happens purely in your imagination and stays there is generally a low risk to your relationship.

A little jealousy is good for a relationship

The reason why couples often have the best sex of their lives after the discovery of heart-breaking betrayal is because they see their partner though the eyes of the person who stole them.

Why didn’t I see how attractive he is? How beautiful she is? If someone else wants what you have, of course you want it more.

Even if you admit the crush and your partner thinks it’s amusing, it still puts them on alert.

They’re reminded that you don’t both exist in a vacuum. Just because you love him, doesn’t mean you don’t see and desire other men. The hint of a threat in the air can rejuvenate relationships.

I remember three years into my relationship with my now husband Miles, watching him arrive at a restaurant. I noticed him as a handsome man before I realised it was him. Then I watched him pick his way through the tables, the odd female glancing up, head turned. My first thought was ‘Well done me, pulling that!”. My second was “Damn! He’s too attractive. What if I wasn’t here and one of these women hit on him?’.

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Ugh. Who wants those? No-one. But they are necessary.

When I go through a ‘can’t be bothered’ stage with sex, I think about an attractive single woman I met at a party who looked at my partner with (a little too) hungry eyes. “If ever you’re done, steer him my way, would you?” she said.

They can help you identify what might be missing 

We’ll often develop crushes on people who are nothing like our current partner. “My husband is quite a serious, intellectual person and I love that about him,” one woman confessed. “But that’s exactly why I find the new guy at work so appealing. He’s funny and irreverent and playful. A breath of fresh air,” she sighed.

Does she wish her husband would lighten up a little? “Actually…yes! I like his seriousness because it makes him reliable but he’s not what you’d call fun to be around sometimes.”

WHY A CRUSH CAN CAUSE MAJOR PROBLEMS

On the flipside, not all crushes are just ‘a bit of fun’ – a lot go horribly wrong and damage the marriage irreversibly.

First up…

It’s an unfair comparison

The reason why crushes are so appealing is that they exist in a fantasy bubble. You’re seeing the new person at their best – in a world devoid of stress, problems and the apathy that happens when you’ve been with someone for many years.

Your brain compares this idealised person against your very human, flawed spouse and they simply can’t win.

It’s easy to act on them impulsively

If you’re already lusting after someone other than your partner, you’re more at risk of giving into those ‘just this once’ temptations that we are all susceptible to. A drunken text, a touch that lingers a little too long – this where most people underestimate the fall out of ‘innocent’ flirting. Crushes can be hard to contain which is why…

There’s always a risk of escalation

Crushes don’t always stay as crushes, particularly if you’re spending a lot of time with this person or aren’t happy at home. ‘Work wives or husbands’ sound innocent but can be dangerous for the same reason.

Research suggests if you constantly fantasise about someone you know and interact with repeatedly, it can increase the chances of you following through.

British psychotherapist Brett Kahr calls them ‘intra-marital affairs’ and believes the more you think about having sex with someone you know (other than your partner), the more ‘real’ it becomes and the more attracted you become to that person.

They’re the psychological version of the extra-marital affair – and often precede an in-person extra-marital affair.

The bottom line: a crush isn’t a problem. It’s the behaviour that follows.

If you’re unsure if you’re stepping over a line, ask yourself this question: If my partner could see me now, would they be upset?

Visit traceycox.com for more information on sex and relationships and Tracey’s product line, books and podcast.

HARMLESS FUN OR DANGEROUS?

I asked a cross-section of women whether they thought crushes harmed or improved their relationship. These case histories are representative of either side.

‘It supercharged our sex life’

My husband changed jobs and struck up a friendship with a colleague. We had him and his wife over to dinner and, once they left, both commented to each other how attractive they were. It became a running joke that he wanted to run off with the wife and me the husband. We’d also tease each other about wife/husband swapping. The couple were oblivious, but it was no accident that we’d always have great sex after we’d seen them.

‘It’s just one step away from getting out of control’

Definitely dangerous. I developed a crush on the friend of a friend that I saw quite often. It started out as a bit of fun. I told my friend I secretly fancied him, she told him and we’d joke about it and flirt a little. It very quickly got out of hand one day when we’d all had a bit to drink. I went to the loo; he followed me and tried to kiss me. I didn’t kiss him back, but it was a rude wake-up call that this is how affairs start.