How to tell if your partner has a porn problem: Most women don’t think it could happen to their husbands but I’m seeing more men than ever… and these are the subtle signs, reveals therapist SAMANTHA MARCHAM

In this digital age, where it’s the norm to have your phone glued to your hand at all times, many people don’t think twice about their partners’ browsing habits.

But perhaps you should.

While some women may know and accept that their husband watches porn, they might not be aware of the extent – and how damaging it can be.

Porn addiction, or Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD), is becoming increasingly common thanks to the ready availability of internet porn. As a psychotherapist who specialises in psychosexual and relationship problems I am busier than ever, seeing both individual male clients and couples dealing with the devastating consequences of problematic porn usage.

The more porn an addict watches, the more desensitised he’ll become. This means that to achieve the same dopamine hit he’ll need more: more novelty, more extreme content and more frequent consumption. This can lead to risky behaviours both in and outside of the bedroom – or even criminal charges.

But like all addictions, it is steeped in shame and your husband is unlikely to tell you about it. So how can you know if his endless scrolling is innocent, or a sign of something more worrying?

Here are the surprising red flags you must be aware of…

YOUR SEX LIFE HAS CHANGED

Has sex started to feel like something he is doing to you, rather than with you? Has he suggested you try new sexual acts that feel increasingly degrading?

Porn can skew viewers’ expectations, so he may be aiming to replicate the dynamic he sees online. While it’s healthy to keep your sex life fresh, consider where he might be getting these ideas from.

RISKY BEHAVIOUR

Porn gives the viewer a huge hit of dopamine, so in his desperation to experience a similar feeling at times he can’t access it, he might try to get a hit in adjacent ways.

He could make reckless decisions at work, get into gambling or even drive dangerously.

This might also manifest in risky sexual behaviours. If you’ve discovered him sending flirty texts to others, or liking posts of scantily-clad girls on Instagram, you have every right to feel betrayed – but it could be a symptom of something deeper.

HE’S CRITICISING YOU

Does he accuse you of not ‘performing’ well enough in bed? Sex looks better on camera when it’s energetic, so you may no longer match up to his expectations of what sex ‘should’ be like.

If he’s become critical, despite your sex life having previously been satisfactory for both of you, it may be worth questioning if you’re really the problem.

He might also suggest that you initiate intimacy more often, or take a more dominant role. Again, this is likely because he wants to emulate the dynamic that arouses him in porn.

HE DOESN’T WANT SEX AT ALL

Does he struggle to get an erection or maintain one?

Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) happens when the less ‘extreme’ sex a couple has in real life no longer ‘does it’ for the male partner in the way that porn does.

Often men with porn addictions will stop wanting sex altogether. Actual intimacy just doesn’t offer the same dopamine hit as a new porn video.

FINANCIAL STRAIN

Have you noticed unexplained transactions on your bank statements? This could be payments to subscription sites such as OnlyFans – or even sex workers, depending on how deep he is into his addiction.

Your partner will probably attempt to conceal this from you, so you may not notice blatant payments. But has he complained of financial hardship, tried to curtail family spending on so-called ‘luxuries’ or holidays, or pleaded poverty when nagged to pay the water bills?

If he’s cagey about why he’s being frugal all of a sudden, it could be that his addiction is proving expensive.

UNEXPLAINED ABSENCES

Have you noticed him disappearing to the bathroom strangely regularly? Perhaps he has started to decline social invitations, preferring to stay at home alone. When he does join you, does he seem distracted and moody, even neglectful of his responsibilities?

Porn addiction is like any other, and addicts will go to any lengths to get their hit – and experience withdrawal symptoms when they can’t access it.

IF THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR, HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO

If you do discover he’s got a problem, try not to take it personally. It’s about him, not you. Try to understand that a natural curiosity as an adolescent can easily turn into a habit, and without education or awareness can develop into a compulsion. Imagine if he had an alcohol addiction; would you be more sympathetic, realising he must be struggling emotionally? A compulsion to pornography is the same.

It’s crucial that you address the issue, because the longer the addiction goes on, the worse it will get. Talk to him; he could be feeling depressed, anxious, guilty or remorseful.

Be gentle and curious rather than accusatory. Maybe show him this article and see if he recognises himself. If you can assure him you are not angry but worried and, more importantly, on his side, it will help him to feel safe enough to open up to you.

Helping him understand what first led to him relying on pornography offers the best chance of recovery, and therapy can help with this.

It would also help to delete the apps he uses to access pornography – cutting off the temptation at the source – and curtail his internet use as much as possible. You could consider cutting down your internet use, too, to make time to do things as a couple that will distract from his addiction.

•  Samantha Marcham, a psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist, is the co-author of Porn Bomb: What Every Young Person Needs To Know About Pornography (pornbomb.co.uk)