I asked for an open marriage. But there’s a brutal downside to being a willing cuck that no man will ever admit: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

I’ve found myself in what some men might think is a dream scenario – but it’s turned into an absolute nightmare for me.

The worst part? It’s all my own doing.

I’ve been married to my wife for a decade. She’s perfect: smart, funny, kind, not to mention, incredibly attractive. But, like many married couples, our bedroom needed some spice. Sex had become routine and, frankly, boring and lacked any giddiness or excitement that we once had.

So, I suggested a solution that could make it feel ‘new’ again: opening up our marriage.

After many conversations we concluded it would only be temporary – just long enough to gain some new experiences with one or two other people. The kicker was, we wouldn’t tell each other about our ‘dates’ until after our little experiment was over.

But what I thought was going to spark just enough jealousy and mystery to reinvigorate our sex lives has quickly turned sour – at least on my end.

Every time I even go near a woman or so much as flirt, I am instantly filled with guilt. And whenever I see my wife texting on her phone, I wonder if it’s with some other man. Even when my wife tries to initiate sex between us, I am repulsed. The jealousy, it turns out, is actually the biggest turn off.

Meanwhile she is having a grand time. She stays out after work with ‘friends,’ and sometimes she’ll come home so late I’m already asleep.

I don’t want to rain on her parade – nor do I want to confess that my idea hasn’t exactly panned out in my favor – but I also don’t know how much longer I can stand feeling like this.

Sincerely,

Green-Eyed Monster

My response:

Dear Green-Eyed Monster,

Your letter is precisely what I have witnessed over and over again with couples who are practicing some form of an open marriage, or ethical non-monogamy. 

Scores of people online say that it saved their marriage, but whenever I meet people in real life who have tried it, they almost always have the exact same experience: one person is having the time of their life, while the other is sitting at home in deep pain.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, even if it is your doing. Hopefully it is not too late to set things right.

Putting her happiness before yours, at great expense to you, is not a healthy way to go forward. Ultimately, you will be filled with not just pain and sadness, but resentment.

It is important to find a way to help her understand how painful this is for you.

Tell her that you suggested this because you thought it would bring the two of you closer, but, in fact, it is emotionally difficult. Say you realize now that you value monogamy far more than you thought and that you miss feeling connected to her.

Be vulnerable and honest. This will open the door to a conversation about how you move forward.

Bear in mind that this arrangement was supposed to help the marriage, not damage it. 

Dear Jane,

My best friend and my fiancé have always seemed to get along just fine. For years while we were dating, she was supportive of our relationship and never once raised any concerns.

That is, until recently.

When I told her I got engaged a few weeks ago, her face immediately dropped.

She told me that she’s been hiding her true feelings all this time: that she secretly hates him and never thought he was right for me. In fact, she even went so far as to tell me I was making a mistake and urged me to return the ring and leave him.

While I can appreciate she cares about me as a friend, it was a bit too late for her to suddenly drop this on me now. I had already said yes – and I love him and intend to marry him.

When I told her so, she informed me she would not be willing to even come to my wedding.

I’m heartbroken to think that she wouldn’t want to support my happiness, but I am also deeply concerned that she has seen some red flag that I’ve missed. Now I’m questioning everything – both my relationship and my friendship with her.

Sincerely,

Wedding Woes

My response:

Dear Wedding Woes,

This is a tricky situation and a painful one. 

It feels like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place because you’re being asked to hold two frightening possibilities at once: your best friend may be wrong about someone you love deeply, or she may be seeing a red flag that you have missed.

The timing makes this especially difficult.

I have noticed how often friendships are lost when a new partner comes into the mix. 

Years ago, I had a best friend who had been married for years and I adored both of them and saw them all the time. When the marriage blew up because of my best friend’s infidelity, I chose to support him, not because I condoned his behavior but because he was ostracized by everyone in his life. I knew he needed one safe person to help him through. 

But he ended up with the person he had the affair with, and that person hated me and wanted him to cut off everyone from his old life. I knew that it was only a matter of time until he would be forced to choose his partner over me.

Your case, however, is slightly different because you find yourself questioning your partner. 

You say your friend hates him and doesn’t think he’s right for you and I’m wondering whether she revealed precisely why.

Often we are too close to see behaviors that are wrong. Many women I know stay in relationships for years where we are diminished, put down, treated with no value or care and we become so accustomed to it that we don’t even see it until we have the strength to leave.

Your friend does, after all, know you possibly better than anyone else and has been witness to your relationship. Before making any decisions, I would sit down with her and ask her to explain all the ways in which she thinks he is wrong for you.

You may disagree with her, but it’s important that you step back and assess things honestly for yourself. 

You may also realize that some of the things you have come to believe are normal are, in fact, destructive. I suspect that once you have this conversation you will be able to see things more clearly.

Remember, it is never too late to make a right turn, though you may lose someone you love. 

Perhaps you can come to terms with the fact that your friend doesn’t like your partner and keep this friendship, and your marriage, in separate boxes.