Is YOUR husband a narcissist? I’m a psychologist and these are the six telltale signs he’s hiding a personality disorder… and when you need to leave

Everyone seems to be a narcissist these days. Your boss, your mother-in-law, the parents at the school gates. But while we find it easy to throw the label at those we find grating, it can be more difficult to see the real signs in the people we love, such as a spouse.

Dr Sarah Davies is a counselling psychologist and author of multiple books on narcissism including How to Leave a Narcissist for Good. ‘Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) captures a range of traits such as lack of empathy, a deep need for admiration, patterns of arrogance, superiority and grandiosity,’ she says.

While NPD only affects 0.5-2 per cent of people, up to 75 per cent of those diagnosed are male.

‘Male narcissism more typically presents as openly overt, grandiose and dominant,’ says Dr Davies. The blatantly manipulative Tony Baddingham in Rivals is perhaps a good example. However, in many cases the signs can be trickier to spot.

‘Covert or vulnerable narcissism is hard to recognise as it can be more subtle and this kind is sometimes seen more in females, though both kinds are present across males and females,’ Dr Davies explains. ‘[Covert] narcissists may be more willing to appear like a victim to use guilt to manipulate others. It’s also usually disguised as a person being helpful or supportive but actually it’s about power and control.’

These signs may be difficult to spot when first dating but, interestingly, marriage or having children may be the time the mask begins to slip, Dr Davies says, as that’s when the narcissist has full control.

So how can you tell whether your husband is a narcissist – and when do you know it’s time to throw in the towel? Dr Davies reveals the signs to watch out for.

1. The honeymoon phase is intense

The initial phase of a marriage or relationship is usually a whirlwind of lust and romance. But Dr Davies says one thing she sees again and again is women mistaking intensity for intimacy.

‘The early stages of dating a narcissistic man can feel like a dream. Things tend to move quite quickly,’ she explains. ‘This “love-bombing” phase is where the narcissist offers an intense amount of attention, they may remember important information about you, send you lots of messages, give you lots of compliments, gifts or make lots of promises.’

When the chase is over, narcissistic men can quickly become complacent, Dr Davies continues. ‘The initial charm gives way to more criticism, undermining, entitlement, bullying and control.’

2. They’re there for you during the hard times – until they’re not

‘A narcissist is inherently selfish, so they don’t consider your individual thoughts, opinions, feelings or needs,’ says Dr Davies.

If a narcissist does display empathy, it’s usually when there’s something in it for them – for example, at the beginning of a relationship when they’re seeking control.

‘I have often seen the narcissist appearing at times of a partner’s particular vulnerability, perhaps following a recent break-up or bereavement,’ Dr Davies says. ‘They appear like a “knight in shining armour”. However, typically, once a narcissist has control – when there is commitment, or marriage, or children come along – the mask starts to slip.’

3. They crave attention

‘The narcissistic partner needs constant praise, attention and admiration,’ says Dr Davies. That may be through bragging about something they did that day in hope of a compliment or giving you the silent treatment when they feel ignored – they feed off guilt and attention.

This sign is often interlinked with a sense of entitlement: narcissists believe they are special and therefore expect special treatment.

‘It’s a key reason I believe why so many narcissistic people cheat; so they can keep a supply of admiration from multiple sources,’ Dr Davies adds.

4. They never apologise

Whether he forgot your anniversary or left the heating on, a narcissist husband will never sincerely apologise.

‘In the narcissist’s mind, any issues are always yours or somebody else’s fault. They don’t ever take genuine personal accountability,’ says Dr Davies.

‘They will always have a view that any issue is ‘you and your fault’, and that whatever you’re doing is not enough. This is why partners of narcissists think that it is them, or that they should be doing more. Partners of narcissists often feel burnt out and exhausted.’

5. They rewrite events – or even blame your hormones

If you do challenge a narcissist, they’ll often get defensive or gaslight you.

‘They will say things like “That never happened” or “you’re being too sensitive”. They will point blank deny conversations or have a different version of events,’ Dr Davies explains.

‘The more covert narcissist may even try to gaslight their partner by making out they are concerned about them. They might say: “Maybe it’s your mental health,” “You’re exhausted and not thinking straight,” “It’s you and your hormones.” This is the kind of thing that can do serious psychological harm as you are left doubting your judgment and even your own sanity.’

6. They like to be in control

Narcissism is all about control. ‘This may be overt and direct in telling a partner what they can or can’t do,’ says Dr Davies. ‘Or it may be subtle and coercive. This can include financial control or control around where you go, what you wear or who you spend time with.’

To establish this control, often a dynamic of dependency is created, whether that be psychologically, emotionally or financially. They can also establish control through punishment.

‘A common pattern of controlling behaviour can include becoming withdrawn, sulking, giving you the silent treatment – until you give in, or they get what they want – criticising, undermining or teasing,’ Dr Davies adds.

When is it time to leave the relationship?

‘Narcissistic abuse is often referred to as “invisible abuse”. It tends to happen progressively so it’s harder to recognise it in the earlier stages, and a lot of people only see it once things are really bad,’ Dr Davies explains.

The key is spotting consistent patterns and cycles: a husband who may have narcissistic traits but doesn’t have NPD will self-reflect and take steps to change a dynamic. A narcissist, on the other hand, will promise change but rarely follow through.

‘In a typical “bad” marriage, there may be difficult times or a disagreement, yet both people still take responsibility for themselves and their feelings and communication. There can be a ‘meet in the middle’ where there is space for reflection and repair,’ Dr Davies says. ‘With narcissism, the dynamic is completely imbalanced and that imbalance is consistent. It’s dominated by the narcissist’s wants and needs.’

So what are the signs it may be time to consider ending the relationship? 

‘Notice if your boundaries are respected, if your voice or feelings matter in the relationship,’ she says. ‘Can he take responsibility for himself and his actions, or does he blame you or others? Do you feel safe and secure, like you can be yourself? Or do you feel anxious, stressed, like you’re walking on eggshells or constantly trying to manage your partner’s mood?’

Dr Davies adds that, above all, trust your instincts. ‘One thing I have heard so many women say is that in hindsight, they had a bad feeling – but they ignored it. If something doesn’t feel right, give that feeling attention. It may be a warning sign.’

How can you leave a narcissistic husband safely?

‘If there is any emotional abuse, coercive control (which is a criminal offence), or fear of retaliation, safety should really be prioritised,’ says Dr Davies.

‘In some cases, seeking specialist support, either from an experienced professional psychologist, agency or service, seeking legal support or contacting the police may be necessary.’ Women’s Aid and Refuge can provide help and support for women experiencing domestic abuse, which includes coercive control.

‘It’s important with this kind of invisible abuse that you share what has been going on with a trusted, understanding and supportive someone,’ Dr Davies continues. ‘Taking steps to prepare financial independence may be important. And consider digital safety – like changing passwords, putting pins on phone or switching off location sharing.

‘Ultimately establishing appropriate boundaries is key whilst within relationships and beyond, following separation.’ 

Call the freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247