My daughter is struggling financially while I live a luxurious retirement. I’m fed up of feeling guilty for not helping her. There is a solution, says CAROLINE WEST-MEADS, and it might bring you more joy than another holiday

Dear Caroline,

My husband and I have both recently retired and are comfortably off, having both worked in finance for a number of decades. We have three grown-up married children. We have a nice lifestyle – holidays several times a year and we spend quite a bit on dinners out, theatre, etc. 

However, while two of our children are managing their lives well, our youngest daughter and her husband are struggling for money. They have two young children, my daughter works part-time and her husband is a nurse. They can’t imagine ever being able to buy a house. 

My daughter has never said anything about our luxurious lifestyle, but I feel that she might resent it. However, my husband says that we never had any help from our parents and did it all on our own – and they need to be self-sufficient. 

I feel annoyed that I am being made to feel guilty but I also feel they should be glad that we are happy.

Caroline West-Meads replies: You should, of course, be able to enjoy a comfortable retirement. But there is another way of looking at this. 

It is a different world from the one you and your husband started out in. Thirty or 40 years ago, it was largely possible to buy a house on an ordinary salary. Today, with soaring house prices, high rents, childcare costs and student debt, many young families are struggling. Your son-in-law is a nurse – hardly someone who is not pulling his weight. 

Your choice of words interests me. You say you are ‘being made to feel guilty’, yet your daughter has never criticised your lifestyle or asked for money. It sounds as though these feelings are coming from within you because you can see how hard life is for them. 

Your husband says that you managed without help and that they should, too. But I’m not sure many parents want their children to struggle simply because they once struggled themselves. Most of us hope the next generation will have an easier path. 

Rather than trying to second-guess how your daughter feels, why not ask? She may not want financial help. She may simply value being able to talk honestly about the pressures she and her husband are under. Or there may be practical ways you could ease the load from time to time. 

Only you know what you can afford and you shouldn’t compromise your own security. It’s important to be fair to your other children, too. But if you can help a little without causing yourselves hardship, I wonder whether cutting back on some luxuries might bring you more pleasure than another holiday.

I want to leave my abusive husband

Dear Caroline,

I married young and, for 30 years, my husband has bullied me verbally and sometimes physically. He stops short of hitting me, but I have been shoved hard and he will bring his face up close to mine and shout. 

My children are now grown up (he bullied them, too) and are begging me to leave him. When they were younger I stayed to protect them. I was terrified of him winning joint custody. Now I realise that all I achieved was to expose them to his awful temper. 

I want to leave and I have consulted a solicitor, but if I challenge him he threatens suicide, so I feel trapped.

Caroline West-Meads replies: This is a tragic situation that you have suffered for far too long. What you describe – being shoved and intimidated – is abuse. Please stop blaming yourself. You did what you believed was best to protect your children, and when you are being threatened and bullied it is difficult to make decisions. 

But you do not have to continue like this, and I am glad that you are now ready to end your marriage. It is important that you leave safely, so please contact Refuge (nationaldahelpline.org.uk) for support. 

Of course, his suicidal threats are difficult to hear. However, I suspect that they are emotional blackmail – another attempt to control you. They cannot be a reason to force you to stay. 

Ultimately, you are living in fear and he must be responsible for himself. You are entitled to a life free from bullying and intimidation.