My daughters spent half the week with their father. I thought nothing of it… until they told me about his very inappropriate behaviour. Now my youngest suffers nightmares and flashbacks. What can I do? DEAR CAROLINE responds

Dear Caroline,

My daughter is 21. Her father and I divorced when she was seven and he remarried. She and her older sister spent half the week with them. I became aware that my ex and his new wife were having noisy sex, sometimes during the day, when the children were there. I messaged him on a few occasions to tell him that his youngest daughter was coming back very upset and it needed to stop. I had a sense his partner was, in some way, being territorial. My daughter also found a stash of porn magazines.

Since becoming an adult, she has spoken about still having nightmares and flashbacks, about her father being ‘sexual’. She gets very upset. I mentioned EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing, a psychotherapy technique to help with trauma) but she says she is trying not to think about it all. At times she feels so angry she wonders why she has ‘let him off the hook’. Her father is still married to this woman.

I have suggested that we can heal, that no one is entirely bad or good, and that she might consider his positive points alongside allowing herself to feel angry. I feel a great deal of anger towards them both (we don’t speak now, his choice) and deep sadness that my daughter was so affected. I also wonder about her older sister, who had to comfort her, turn up the music and ask her not to cry.

Caroline West-Mead replies: What you describe is a profound breach of a child’s sense of safety. Your daughters were exposed to adult sexual behaviour that was entirely inappropriate. It is not surprising your younger daughter still experiences nightmares and flashbacks; these are consistent with unresolved trauma. Your older daughter, meanwhile, was also placed in an impossible role: trying to shield her sister while managing distress far too big for a child.

In terms of your ex-husband’s behaviour, what you describe suggests a troubling level of self-absorption and disregard for his children’s emotional wellbeing. That can have lasting effects on how safe or valued a child feels, even into adulthood. If there was an element of ‘staking a claim’ from his partner, that can be particularly destabilising. A stepparent’s role is to support the parent-child bond, not compete with it.

You are clearly trying to help your daughter find balance, but encouraging her to see his good points may not be helpful at the moment. When someone is still processing harm, introducing nuance can feel like pressure to minimise it. Healing usually begins with fully acknowledging what happened.

In time, both daughters may need to consider what kind of relationship with their father feels possible and safe. If they do maintain contact, supporting one another and setting clear boundaries could help. Keeping some emotional distance from the stepmother may also be protective if that dynamic remains difficult. These choices should be guided by what feels right for them, not obligation.

She might imagine that EMDR would have to involve a painful retelling of events, but this is often not the case. The aim is to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories so they lose their intensity and intrusiveness. Despite the name, it is not only about eye movements; it can also involve bilateral stimulation, such as alternating sounds through headphones. One approachable way to access it might be through the Ed Can Help app (see edcanhelp.io), which can be used privately and at her own pace.

Finally, do consider your own support. Your anger and sadness are entirely understandable. Having a space to process those feelings – through a trusted friend or counselling – may help you stay steady for your daughters.

You cannot undo what happened, but your calm, ongoing support is part of what helps repair it.

He favours his grandsons over my girls

Dear Caroline,

My father-in-law favours my brother-in-law’s and his wife’s sons over our two daughters. All the children are teenagers now, and the difference is impossible to ignore. He asks endless questions about the boys’ football, school results and plans, while barely acknowledging our girls. Our daughters have started to notice. The younger one was very fed up and hurt after a birthday get-together. 

My husband is annoyed too but is reluctant to talk to his father about it. I don’t want to create a family rift, but I also don’t want my daughters to grow up believing they are somehow less worthy of attention and affection. Should I say something?

Caroline West-Mead replies: It is understandable that your younger daughter came away hurt. When a grandparent repeatedly shows more enthusiasm and interest for one lot of grandchildren there is a risk of the others feeling ‘I’m not as lovable’.

Be cautious about confrontation as people usually don’t react well if they feel blamed. His behaviour seems sexist, or it may be that your father-in-law is simply more comfortable engaging with boys – football and the things he understands. A calm comment, ideally from your husband or perhaps even via your mother-in-law, such as, ‘the girls sometimes feel overlooked when all the attention goes to the boys,’ may be enough to make him reflect without putting him on the defensive. 

Importantly, reassure your daughters this is about his attitude not their worth. The love, encouragement and attention they receive at home matters far more.