My mother’s drinking and promiscuous behaviour has left me so worried. She has a different man at her house every time I see her and I don’t know what to do: DEAR CAROLINE reveals what’s really going on

Q I am having problems with my mother. She and my father divorced two years ago. She was ‘tired of being stuck in the same old rut after 40 years’ – she’s in her mid-60s. I think my father was relieved because my mother sometimes drinks a lot and she can be embarrassing in public or at parties. 

However, her behaviour has become more concerning, as she is very promiscuous. Whenever I call, she seems to have a different man at her house or tells me about her latest exploit in far too much detail. 

On occasion, I have seen her pour a glass of wine mid-morning. I have tried to tell her I am worried about her health and the danger of sexually transmitted diseases but she says it’s her life and she wants to live it.

A It sounds as though you’re shouldering a lot. When parents divorce later in life, many people assume it is easier for adult children, but it can still feel deeply unsettling.

Your mother’s current behaviour is clearly troubling. And while it is true that she is free, of course, to have whatever sex life she chooses, at the same time, hearing intimate details and seeing her stream of partners understandably feels uncomfortable and upsetting for you.

Also, what you describe as promiscuity usually points to a deeper unhappiness. Given her drinking, I suspect that your parents’ marriage was difficult for some time and I imagine that both of your parents sadly felt quite lonely. Your mother might have initially felt free after she divorced your father, but when a long marriage ends – even a troubled one – there is often a big gap that she may be trying to fill. She could also be seeking to regain a sense of herself after so many years spent in a couple.

Your fears about her drinking and about sexually transmitted infections are entirely valid. The challenge, of course, is how to raise this without her becoming defensive. A direct confrontation about ‘drinking too much’ or ‘risky behaviour’ could lead her to shut down. It can be more helpful to come at the situation sideways, from a place of care rather than correction. For example, you might say that you’ve noticed she sometimes seems to need a drink quite early in the day and gently ask how she’s feeling in herself – and whether things seem hard to manage without alcohol. The aim is to invite reflection, not to force it.

If you have supportive siblings, perhaps ask them to talk to her, too. Hearing similar worries, expressed calmly and compassionately by more than one person, can sometimes make them harder to dismiss. Drinkaware.co.uk has advice on how to talk to a parent about their drinking, and Alcohol Change UK (alcoholchange.org.uk) and Al-Anon (al-anon.org) are also helpful. Remember that you cannot make her change, you can only encourage and support her. So be kind to yourself – you’re dealing with a difficult and emotional situation.