I’ve seen countless people try to get a loved one with cocaine and alcohol issues into rehab…but it can go so very wrong. This is the right way to stage an intervention – and what you should never say: NICK DUNKLEY

When you’re watching a loved one battle with addiction, the sense of despair can be overwhelming.

You might be a parent whose child has a drug problem and who gets arrested, gets a criminal record, and seems intent on destroying their future.

Or you might be a long-suffering partner whose other half is deteriorating through alcohol or cocaine misuse, having seizures, coughing up blood, repeatedly being admitted to hospital.

You might be asking yourself: Why do they keep making such bad choices and unwise decisions? Why can’t they see the harm they’re doing to themselves? And the hurt they’re causing to everyone around them?

These are questions I hear all the time in my role as regional operations manager at UKAT Addiction Centres – a group of rehab clinics across the country. 

Many people in this situation – who are desperate to help their husband, wife, son, daughter or friend – will instinctively understand that one way to set them on the road to recovery is to stage an intervention.

An intervention, for those who have not heard the term, is a planned meeting in which family, friends and sometimes an addiction professional confront someone about the harmful effects of their drug or alcohol use.  

The goal of an intervention is to encourage someone to accept treatment. 

Typically this involves loved ones preparing anecdotes of how the person’s substance abuse has affected them, and a plea for them to seek help.

Research shows that interventions work too. A 2009 US study found that those who are confronted by loved ones are significantly more likely to enter into addiction treatment than those who do not. 

However, interventions can be fraught with difficulties. I often hear from families who say they are worried that their loved one will feel attacked, get angry – or even violent.

So how can you stage an intervention that is both effective and safe?

Perhaps the most important thing to explain is what an intervention isn’t. It absolutely isn’t an opportunity for airing grievances or venting anger.

Obviously, your loved one needs to know how worried you are about the damage their addiction is doing to them and the people who love them.

But chastising them will only breed shame, guilt and embarrassment – which may well push them away, make them feel more hopeless, and actually stop them reaching out.

Instead, an intervention should be about getting together with a loved one to have a calm and controlled conversation, where the aim is to elicit change and get them proper support.

It’s often wrongly assumed there’s no point trying to help an addict until they have hit ‘rock bottom’ – the point at which the consequences of someone’s addiction become so severe or unbearable that the person finally becomes willing to seek help or change.

Rock bottom might refer to unbearable physical, financial, legal, relational, or emotional issues.

Last year, actor Barry Keoghan, 33, spoke of how a near death experience finally led to him entering rehab.

‘I technically did die for a few seconds,’ the Saltburn star told a podcast, of the moment he ended up in a medical emergency because of cocaine use. ‘I’m clean now, I’ve been clean for two and a half years.’

But the truth is that it doesn’t always work this way. Everyone’s idea of rock bottom is different. Sadly, even when you think things can’t possibly get any worse, you often discover that they can.

So even though the idea of an intervention may be daunting, it’s best to act sooner rather than later.

Yes, there’s a danger in sitting down and openly tackling the issues of a loved one’s addiction. By putting it out there, you’re drawing a line in the sand. It’s possible you might drive them away.

But if you weigh up the consequences of doing nothing, you might well decide it’s worth the risk.

So who should be involved? There are plenty of professionals, such as counsellors and addiction experts, who can be called in to mediate. 

But addiction is a really sensitive and personal issue. If someone is already depressed or anxious about their situation, they might be extremely uncomfortable if a professional – someone they don’t know – suddenly turns up.

It might be better to gather a small group of relatives, friends and even work colleagues – anyone the person respects and will listen to.

Family members who have suffered directly and are too emotionally involved may not be suitable, as their anger – even if it’s justified – may get in the way: the intervention has to be totally focused on the person you’re hoping to help.

No one expects to be ambushed by a group of their loved ones, so do everything you can do to make it feel as calm as possible. Approaching the person in their own home may not be ideal as they can feel trapped, with nowhere to retreat to. 

Instead, choose a place – maybe a friend or relative’s house – which is quiet, with no interruptions or disruptions. Avoid any triggers for their substance misuse – so obviously not a pub.

Staging an intervention when someone’s intoxicated is never a good idea, which means arranging it for earlier in the day will tend to be better: once they’re up and feeling human – but before the pattern starts all over again.

It’s also important not to present them with an ultimatum: ‘Get help or I’ll leave you… Get help or you’ll never see the kids again… Get help or I’ll tell such-and-such.’

Threats like these just put up a barrier. If you force someone to shoot for the stars and they miss, it may reinforce their sense of worthlessness and make them not want to try again.

A better strategy is to offer something positive: ‘You might feel the situation is hopeless, but we’ve looked at the options, and here are some things we think might be a good idea.’

If you’ve done your research in advance, you can then present them with a list of different treatment centres, council services and local meetings run by groups like AA.

Even though an intervention is all about optimism, you should be careful to have realistic expectations.

If you ask someone if they’re ready to go into rehab and they say no, it’s a normal response for the family to break down in tears and feel all hope is lost. But if everyone is wailing and despairing, the person might just give up on the whole idea.

So be prepared to be patient and compassionate. The reality is that, although today might not be the day, tomorrow might be. Ask the person whether they would agree to revisit the issue – maybe next week or in two weeks time.

And remember, the loved one probably wasn’t expecting this conversation. If it’s just been sprung on them, they might well need some time to think about it.

Even if the intervention doesn’t go as planned or doesn’t look like it’s worked immediately, don’t write it off as a failure. Sometimes it’s enough just to plant the seeds of recovery.

The person may well find themselves thinking about it – even years in the future. However bad their situation is by then, the memory of their family or friends coming together to offer help may just be enough to finally spur them on to seek support.

The best outcome is, of course, if the person acknowledges the problem then either changes their behaviour or takes on professional support, counselling, or rehab.

It is incredibly challenging, but a properly prepared intervention can also be incredibly powerful – as it sends a potentially life-changing message: ‘We don’t want you to suffer. We want you to receive help – because we think you’re worth it.’