Is YOUR marriage on the brink? Then forget the make or break holiday and the couple’s therapy says TRACEY COX. These 5 ‘fixes’ actually END relationships

When a relationship starts to fall apart, the urge to do something – anything – is strong.

Trouble is, what people think will save their relationship often becomes the final nail in the coffin because most of the popular ‘cures’ are merely comfort blankets.

Here, the five things people reach for when a relationship is on the rocks – and why they almost never work.

Couple’s therapy

Yes really – the place I nearly always advise you to go when you have a problem.

The issue here is most couples wait an average of six years after their problems began before they seek help. In short, it’s too late.

A good therapist can work wonders but clearing six years of accumulated resentment and emotional withdrawal would take a magician.

If you’ve been blaming each other for years, therapy becomes a weekly opportunity to have your version of events validated – or to feel furious when it isn’t. The therapist is watched intently to see which ‘side’ they’re on. Most people are more interested in being right than finding neutral ground.

UK sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) has revealed the the ‘cures’ couples on the rocks should avoid – and what to do instead

Therapy can actually speed up the split: focusing on everything that’s not working can make it abundantly clear you’ll both be better off apart.

The problem isn’t therapy or the therapist. It’s our British habit of treating it as a last resort rather than a first response when things get difficult.

Having a baby

It’s a gamble that is older than time – and it almost always backfires.

Surely everyone who has ever sat near a couple with a disgruntled baby – in a restaurant, on a plane (anywhere) – has secretly thought, ‘Thank God I don’t have to deal with all that’.

How couples with problems can think having a baby is going to be glue has always been beyond me. A new baby doesn’t paper over cracks; it can take down the entire building.

Sleep deprivation, financial pressure, even less spontaneity, no time for sex – parenting puts the most intense pressure on a relationship most couples ever face. Even happy couples find themselves feeling like strangers in the first year.

FIVE THINGS THAT WILL HELP

Talk about problems when they first happen

A new problem is far easier to address than one that’s lasted a long time. Thinking, ‘I’ll wait and see if it fixes itself’ is not a strategy for a lasting relationship. Talk NOW.

Get yourself some individual therapy

Especially if you recognise the same problems happening in your relationships regardless of who you’re with. It’s not your partner’s job to fix any abandonment issues or triggers left by previous lovers. Deal with it solo.

Say what you really want and need

Most arguments aren’t about the dishes, how much sex you should have and being late. Look below the surface and find the real issue. I feel taken for granted. I worry you don’t fancy me anymore. I think you think your time is more important than my time.

Do something new

Not a holiday or grand gesture but something you can maintain. Create a new ‘newness’ habit. Try a different restaurant every month. Play Pickle Ball instead of tennis. Catch a train and explore a new city. Routine is enjoyable but nothing but routine quickly turns into boredom and resentment.

Give yourself a talking to

After listening patiently to me going on and on about an argument with my husband, my friend suddenly burst in with ‘Stop it then! You can stop it because you’re the one causing it’. I didn’t see it until she pointed out but she was right. Have the humility to recognise when you’re the one causing the problem.

The make-or-break holiday

The idea is seductive. Get away from the daily grind, look at each other across a table with a view of the sea, and remember why you fell in love.

What really happens is you both end up dreading the holiday, knowing it’s the last chance, and take all your problems on the plane with you.

Holidays can make things worse.

The wonderful thing about the daily grind is that it gives you something to do and talk about. It acts as a buffer.

Without it, you have nowhere to hide.

If you’re bad communicators, you aren’t going to suddenly discover how to, just because you’re lying by a pool. An idyllic setting often amplifies the pain. Beautiful places attract couples in love and there’s nothing lonelier than looking at other happy couples when you are anything but.

Taking time apart

The premise is that distance will give you both a chance to ‘get some perspective’ and ‘think hard about what’s really going on/how to really fix things’.

If you both DID spend it looking at things from the other person’s perspective, it might help. What usually happens is both people spend it perfecting and rehearsing their own entrenched arguments.

Being apart when things are already fragile often feels like abandonment not breathing space. If you’re jealous or worried your partner might be interested in other people, time apart is triggering not soothing.

If your relationship is good but you’ve had a shock that’s overwhelmed you (one of you had an affair, for instance), time apart can work well.

But for long-term issues, it simply hardens resolve in both of you.

The big romantic gesture

Inspired by every romcom ever made, this is designed to convince the doubting person that their partner has finally come to their senses. They love you more than life itself!

The grand proposal (often in front of others). A flashy new car. A surprise trip to Paris.

Romantic gestures do address some symptoms of an ailing relationship – ‘See! I see you!’, ‘See! You ARE special to me!’ – but the effect is so temporary, it’s hardly worth the trouble.

Within weeks, usually days, the old habits and dynamics are back – except now they feel worse because you’ve had your hopes raised and dashed all over again.

You’ll find Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and ranges at traceycox.com.